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Band 6

These days in many countries people live longer time away of their family.why this happens?what effescts this problem has on individuals and families?

#countries #people #time #effescts #individuals #families
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Nowadays, the style of working can play a crucial in many aspects. In most of the country, many individuals live longer and far from their family members. These problems come from society and their ambition.
This
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 situation can have a negative effect on their health.
To begin
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 with, there are some reasons that
people
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 live longer
time
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 away from their family. First and foremost can be related to society. because many
people
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 get a little money as salary during a month.
that is
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 why, they have to
work
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 from dawn to dusk to provide primary facilities for their family members, especially for their children.
This
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 way, they
work
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 very hard to make a lot of money and have a better life.
secondly
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, a large number of individuals have a lot of ambitions in their
lives
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.
in other words
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, they have a great tendency to access all sorts of facilities in their
lives
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 ranging from, a big house and a new car to a
Correct your spelling
cell phone
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cellphone
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cell phone
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 and a laptop. so, they prefer to
work
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 a long
time
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 away from their family till the day achieve their desired goal in their
lives
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.
however
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,
this
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 style of working can have a negative effect on the
people
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 over their
lives
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.
firstly
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, when
people
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work
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 from dawn to dusk to make a lot of money,
that is
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 why they do not have any free
time
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 to spend some fun
time
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 with family members. so, they will be faced with many problems that the most common one is depression.
moreover
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, having a high rate of ambition in life prevents one from interacting with a large number of
people
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 to share ideas and communicate with them.
this
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 strategy can cause isolation for
people
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 who do not spend
time
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 with other
people
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. in conclusion, it is true that the problem of living longer
time
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 away from their family will probably not be solved quickly.
this
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 is not a reason to avoid action for
this
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 problem.I think that
people
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 provide opportunities for themselves to make
balance
Correct article usage
a balance
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 in their
lives
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 between their
work
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 and health.
Submitted by salehmiri1995 on

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task achievement
To improve your task response, try providing more detailed and specific examples to support your points. This will make your arguments more compelling and relatable.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, work on using a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas smoothly. This will make your essay easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
To enhance clarity, focus on ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that the ideas flow logically from one to the next.
task achievement
You have effectively identified the key reasons why people might live away from their families for extended periods and have discussed the potential negative effects of this situation.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps in organizing your ideas.
task achievement
The general ideas presented in your essay are relevant to the topic and provide a solid foundation for a good argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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