IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In the future, there will be a higher proportion of older people than younger people in many countries. Why is this? Is this a positive or negative development?

#future #proportion #people #countries #development
In the coming years, the proportion of younger
people
 will be less compared to older
people
 in many countries.
This
 essay will discuss,
firstly
 decline in
birth
rate
 and
secondly
, the negative side of
this
 phenomenon, followed by the reasoned conclusion. To commence with, it is noticed that there
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 a shortage
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
birth
Correct article usage
the birth
show examples
rate
 in recent years. It means that the young generation is not eager to give
birth
 and it has an impact on the
future
 population size.
People
 think more about their well-being and financial stability before having children and it causes either a reduction in
birth
 or a refusal to have children.
For instance
, the
birth
 trend is decreasing in Europe from day to day.
According to
 Eurostat, 35% of the population in Europe are old
people
 and
it
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
 will increase gradually. The negative side of
this
 development is that there is labour deficiency.
In other words
, from the
future
 perspective, it can provide serious problems
such
 as a shortage of staff in many vital fields that can lead to economic crisis.
Moreover
, it can
also
 violate family values and
people
 will no longer want to have children. As an example,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the United Kingdom, there was recorded the lowest
birth
rate
 in 20 years and it is already facing a scarcity of labour. Scientists say that in the
future
 the UK may have
economic
Add an article
an economic
show examples
 crisis
due to
 the low
birth
rate
.
To sum up
, the proportion of the old generation will increase more than the young generation because of the low
birth
rate
 that can lead to labour scarcity in the
future
.
Submitted by burtebaeva02 on

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task achievement
Provide a clearer introduction that outlines the main points you will discuss. This sets the stage for the reader and helps organize your essay better.
task achievement
Ensure that each body paragraph discusses its main point more thoroughly. Providing additional details and varied examples can add depth to your essay.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between paragraphs by using transition words and phrases, making it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
Include a stronger conclusion that not only summarizes the main points but also provides a final thought or broader implication of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Work on eliminating small grammatical errors and awkward phrases to improve the overall readability of your essay.
task achievement
You have successfully identified the main reasons for the phenomenon, such as the declining birth rate and its impact on labor shortages.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, like the statistics from Eurostat and the situation in the UK, to support your argument. This adds credibility to your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has clear and distinct paragraphs for each point, which helps in organizational clarity.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the content discussed in the essay, though it could be more robust.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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