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Band 5.5

Some people think competitive sport is important for a child’s education. Others think it has negative effects on children. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #sport #child’s #education #effects #children
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This
 group of
people
 believe that competition in
sports
 is necessary for learning among
children
. But other
people
 claim that it can have poor influences on them. I will survey both views and my idea
also
.
To begin
 with ,
it is clear that
 the majority of
people
 like competitive
sports
 for their
children
. There are many advantages to competition ,
such
 as improvement , movement to get fresh and trying to gain reward.
Hence
 ,
this
 issue can cause motivation
as well as
 hope.
Moreover
 ,
children
 must learn to play in equal situations with others.
Thus
 , they learn fairness in their lives.
on the other hand
 , sport is a part of education.
Therefore
 , it is essential to be competitive between two teams or two
people
.
Although
 competitive
sports
 are useful for
children
 , they can have some disadvantages. To illustrate ,
reduce
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
show examples
 confidence when one of them
is failed
Wrong verb form
fails
show examples
. Because some
children
 are shy and they get hopeless and lose their motivation. So , it has a negative impact on their education even. In my opinion , competitive
sports
 are crucial like another field for
children
 . Because they should be ready in every field to improve their lives. But I believe that competition must be friendly and it must not have any negative points on their education. In the meantime , positive points are well to encourage them.
To sum up
 , there are some advantages and some disadvantages in competitive
sports
 that academies should decide about
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
according to
children
's conditions and provide many facilities for their needs.
Submitted by rastaebrahimifar on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a balanced discussion of both views and states your opinion. However, the ideas can be developed more clearly and logically. Providing specific examples to support your points would make your argument stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are unclear and would benefit from rephrasing. It’s important to ensure that each idea is fully developed and connected to the overall argument. Try to use transitional words and phrases to enhance coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Check for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to improve readability. Make sure the introduction clearly states the topic and your opinion, and ensure the conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and restates your opinion.
task achievement
You have addressed both views and provided your own opinion, which is essential for this type of essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your intention to provide a structured argument is evident with clear separation of ideas and viewpoints.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • life skills
  • teamwork
  • leadership
  • resilience
  • personal development
  • professional success
  • physical health
  • healthy lifestyle
  • obesity
  • real-world challenges
  • work ethic
  • cope with pressure
  • stress
  • burnout
  • mental health issues
  • unrealistic expectations
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • bullying
  • moral values
  • sportsmanship
  • overemphasis
  • academic pursuits
  • imbalance
  • undervalue
  • athletic success
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