IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that it will be one of the best ways to solve the environment problems to increase the cost of fuel for cars and other vehicles. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #environment #cost #fuel #cars #vehicles
There is a common view among individuals that the most beneficial approach to resolve the catastrophic issues of environmental detriment is to
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
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 the expense
for
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of
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 buying
fuel
 for
transports
Fix the agreement mistake
transport
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.
This
 can be a disastrous way to reduce
this
 problem because it is able to encourage another one
such
 as financial burden and an increase in
unemployment
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the unemployment
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 rate. The most obvious thing we could recognize in
this
 way is the demotion of
smokes
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smoke
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 and harmful
emission
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emissions
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.
This
 is derived from the reduction in cars and other private vehicles.
As a result
, there will be less air and water pollution because factories and manufacturers are unable to provide massive
number
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numbers
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 of
transports
Fix the agreement mistake
transport
show examples
 as the needs are much lower than ever.
For instance
, Ho Chi Minh City used to suffer from
smokes
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smoke
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 and gases from motorbikes, but after a rise in the cost of
fuel
, there are much
lesser
Correct word choice
fewer
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 bikes on the streets
as well as
 less smokes.
However
, there are a lot of negative impacts caused by
this
 solution. The most absolute one is the proportion of employment. To make the price of
fuel
 known as black gold rise, an immense number of working places and jobs will be affected in their worst light.
This
 is because
of
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apply
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the impact black gold has on our lives is
to
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apply
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paramount. There are
around
Rephrase
apply
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over 50 industries and approximately 20000 companies relating to
this
 type of energy so if we change something in their field of profits, it will be a
fool
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fool's
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 paradise. Another point that can be measured is the importance of
this
 kind of energy in our lives. Almost everything
enquire
Verb problem
requires
show examples
fuel
 to work
such
 as cars, heating machines, ovens and so on.
As a consequence
 of increasing the price of
this
 energy, people will suffer from a lack of amenities and there will be more arguments towards the governments.
Hence
, creating a negative characteristic in our society which will make it impossible to develop. In conclusion, there is no doubt that fostering the price of black gold can make some changes in the condition of the environment but come
along with
 a lot of discouragements to our communities.
Therefore
,
this
 essay has illustrated the topic regarding the technique to improve the
overall
 well-being of wildlife.
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task achievement
While the essay does provide an argument both for and against the viewpoint, the ideas presented need to be more clear and concise. Some points are not well-developed, and the reasons why increasing fuel costs will lead to financial burdens and increased unemployment need further elaboration.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay could be improved. Dividing paragraphs more clearly where each paragraph will discuss a single main idea may make the essay easier to follow. Also, ensuring that each point is well-supported and logically flows from one to the next is essential.
coherence cohesion
Some parts of the essay need better connection and flow. For example, use of transition words like 'moreover', 'in addition', or 'on the other hand' could help in providing a smoother flow between different ideas or examples.
task achievement
Citing more relevant and specific examples can bolster the argument. The Ho Chi Minh City example is a good start, but adding more concrete instances or statistical data could enhance the persuasive power of the essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, which is essential in an IELTS Task 2 essay. It provides a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
The example of Ho Chi Minh City adds a practical element to the essay and aids in demonstrating the negative effects of increasing fuel prices on transportation use.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • carbon emissions
  • public transport
  • fuel-efficient
  • electric vehicles
  • renewable energy
  • green technologies
  • disproportionately affect
  • commuting
  • infrastructure development
  • cycling and walking
  • deforestation
  • industrial pollution
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