IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Sport is one of the most draws on television today. Some people argue that the practice of showing sport on television is to blame for the poor health of the young generation by encouraging them to watch rather than partake in physical activity. To what extent do you agree wit this view?

#sport #television #people #practice #health #generation #activity #wit
Sports programs are excessively aired on television. Many individuals support the notion that watching
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 on TV contributes to youngsters
show
Wrong verb form
showing
show examples
 reluctance to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise
;
however
, I hold the conviction that mental health can be a vital feature
leads
Correct pronoun usage
that leads
show examples
 people to stay motivated to do
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
. On the one hand, supporters of
this
 belief point out that doing
exercise
 and experiencing excitement can
similarly
 release hormones of happiness into
body
Add an article
the body
show examples
. It means that, if a person aims to achieve
this
 feeling, he should be physically active.
Therefore
, audiences of
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 on television get excited and their bodies' demands for happiness hormones are satisfied;
consequently
, they will lose their
interests
Fix the agreement mistake
interest
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical activities. In the United States,
for instance
, a survey conducted in 2023 showed that 40 per cent of younger generations reported they had
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 level of excitement watching
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 programs on TV and
therefore
 they did not consider it required to do
exercise
 to get
feeling
Correct article usage
a feeling
show examples
 of cheerfulness and thrill.
Conversely
, opponents of
this
 idea refer to the fact that there are more determining factors that might be effective in people's
attitude
Fix the agreement mistake
attitudes
show examples
 towards being physically active.
In other words
, mental health and
time
 are thought to be more serious deterrent reasons. A depressed person,
for instance
, struggles with some internal and mental problems, which make him physically
fatigue
Wrong verb form
fatigued
show examples
 and unable to have a routine for doing
exercise
. An individual who is
also
 forced to work eight hours a day, will not be able to dedicate enough
time
 to staying active.
As a consequence
, watching
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 on TV has nothing to do with these
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 of people's motivation to do
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 or function physically. Let us take the UK as an example, where 60 per cent of those who are not at an appropriate fitness level, blamed their
time
 limitation as the main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their laziness and underactivity. In conclusion, after taking the aforementioned points into consideration, I am inclined to believe that,
although
 lower
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of physical
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
 are
due to
 the increased broadcast of
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 programs, more remarkable factors encompassing lack of
time
 and mental health should be known as reasons for decreasing
sport
 activities.
Submitted by mojgan.sobhani on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Task Response: Try to further emphasize how watching sports on TV can lead to less physical activity and provide balanced views on how it might also inspire some to become active.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: Ensure that the essay flows smoothly by using more transition words and phrases. This will help to guide the reader through your argument more effectively.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced perspective by acknowledging both sides of the argument.
introduction conclusion present
There is a clear introduction and conclusion that frame the essay well.
supported main points
Examples given are relevant and help to support the main points effectively.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: