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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their families and friends. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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In some nations,
people
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 tend to leave their homes and
friends
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 in order to seek jobs.
This
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 essay will discuss both the upsides and downsides before concluding that the advantages outweigh the drawbacks. The most advantageous factor for moving away from
families
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 and
friends
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 so as to apply for occupations is that
people
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 can live independently.
In other words
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, when
people
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 have to live in another place without parents or peers, it signifies that they have to make decisions for some problems or options that they encounter in their daily lives.
Furthermore
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,
people
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 are able to live in their own way,
such
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 as coming back home at late night without disturbing parents or hanging out with their colleagues whenever they want.
As a result
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, workers may become more mature and brave to deal with some risks that they might face in their careers.
Therefore
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, there is no doubt that living far away from
families
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 and
friends
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 allows individuals to live independently and
freedomly
Correct your spelling
freely
. Having said that, some
people
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 think that leaving their
families
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 and
friends
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 to find jobs may cause them to get involved in some social evils. To explain
further
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, many employees need to get on well with their bosses
as well as
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 colleagues in the workplace;
thus
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, they tend to mimic and conduct whatever co-workers ask them to do, even participating in some illegal activities
such
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 as utilising drugs and committing crimes.
Consequently
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,
this
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 situation can help
people
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 build higher credibility in order to move up the ladder
as well as
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 get more promotions. To a certain extent,
this
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 may be true but by protecting themselves from taking part in criminal activities and trying to find other positive ways to gain job prospects,
people
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 can become prevailing in their careers. In conclusion, I believe that the drawbacks of getting involved in social evils are outweighed by the benefits of living independently and flexible schedule. It is suggested that
people
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 move away from their
families
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 and
friends
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 to apply for jobs which can assist them to be offered job opportunities with job satisfaction
along with
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 high salaries.

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task achievement
Try to incorporate more specific examples to better illustrate your points. For instance, you could mention a particular case or statistic that supports your argument about the benefits of living independently.
task achievement
Ensure that all paragraphs are equally developed. The paragraph about social evils could be elaborated further to balance the essay.
coherence cohesion
Make sure your essay transitions smoothly between points. Although the ideas are well-connected, using more transitional phrases can help improve the flow.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure by more clearly defining each point in your paragraphs. This can be achieved by breaking complex ideas into simpler steps.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states what the essay will discuss and provides a balanced view, which is great for setting up your argument.
task achievement
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and gives a clear stance on the issue, which helps reinforce your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a logical flow to your arguments, making it easier for the reader to follow your points.
task achievement
You've done a good job at ensuring the points you made are relevant to the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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