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Band 5.5

Parents should punish their children when they do something wrong, do you agree or not ?

#parents #children
It’s argued that
parents
 can punish their
children
 when they do something wrong.
While
 I
agree
Add the preposition
agree on
agree to
agree with
show examples
this
 idea to some extent , I do believe
parents
 need to use
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 methods to educationally punish their kids.
Firstly
,
parents
 punish
children
 to remind them to identify dangerous situations from
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 early age.
Children
 are curious about everything and do what they want to do when they are little, and they don’t know whether it’s safe or dangerous. It’s important for
parents
 to tell them the things that should be avoided
to do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
. The best time to teach
children
 is when they
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 something dangerous.
For example
, some
children
 aren’t conscious that they aren’t allowed to touch
knife
Fix the agreement mistake
knives
show examples
. When
parents
 see
this
, they should tap their hands as
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
punishment
 to remind them that
this
 is dangerous. In
this
 case,
children
 will remember that they should be careful to use the knife.
Secondly
,
parents
 should punish their
children
 only for
educating
Replace the word
educational
show examples
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
show examples
, and violence shouldn’t be allowed as a way of
punishment
. The reason why
parents
 punish their
children
 is that they want them to be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 and do
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 things. The
punishment
 isn’t a way to blow off steam which
hurt
Wrong verb form
hurts
show examples
children
,
instead
 of educating and protecting them.
Children
are
Correct pronoun usage
who are
show examples
 punished by violence may hate their
parents
 in the future, and
this
 isn’t helpful
to cultivate
Change preposition
in cultivating
show examples
 their personalities. In conclusion,
while
punishment
 from
parents
 can serve as a critical teaching tool, it is imperative that it is administered with the utmost care and educational intent. Punishments should be designed not to harm but to instruct, guiding
children
 towards understanding the consequences of their actions in a safe and supportive environment.
Submitted by millstonelee on

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task achievement
Your essay generally addresses the task effectively and the main points are clear. However, try to elaborate more on the specific methods of non-violent punishment to provide a more comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is mostly clear and ideas are generally well-organized. To further improve, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next by using appropriate linking words and phrases.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your argument effectively.
task achievement
The examples you provided are relevant and help to illustrate your points well.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
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  • socio-economic status
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity programs
  • adverse effects
  • mental health issues
  • responsibility sharing
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  • privileged families
  • supportive environment
  • lifestyle changes
  • educational campaigns
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