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Band 5

Some people believe that nowadays we have too many choices. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statments?

#people #choices #statments
Today, we have
choices
 that are more than enough. I will explain why I agree and about finding
this
 matter how to change our life. Social media is one of the most important reasons for
variety
Add an article
a variety
the variety
show examples
 of
all the
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
products around the world. Nowadays
people
 are socializing together all the time and sharing their life in some applications that are very popular and famous. namely, Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and a lot
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
more applications. When everyone is behaving like that advertising system trying to sell through these applications and when they realize that
this
 market is earning money in the highest range they produce a lot more
things
 that are even not useful but are trend and
people
 have to buy them to show each other through their phone cameras. So when it is,
this
 job manager
decide
Change the verb form
decides
show examples
 to produce these in many different kinds in
this
 way, we have so many
choices
 that are confusable for everybody. Having so many
choices
 can make us nervous and less our motivation. In the past
for example
, 10 years ago when
people
 came for shopping it was almost 10 shops to see and decide what they wanted but these days there are a lot of malls and markets or even shopping
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 which have many different kinds of everything that can`t be helpful for shopping
things
 and
people
 fills like
confuseing
Correct your spelling
confusing
 or not having the strong of making
decision
Add an article
a decision
the decision
show examples
. One of the
researcher
Change to a plural noun
researchers
show examples
 from Cambridge University wrote a great text and said that
Correct article usage
the
show examples
humans
Change the noun form
human
show examples
 brain can`t decide when the
things
 are more than 10 in each categorization
for example
, when a hat has 15 couler we have absolutely more than one choice. That shows us the variety of
things
 can be a big disaster for us. In conclusion, our world is getting towards a huge amount of different
choices
that
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 good but in some way can be stressful and have more disadvantages than benefits.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the clarity of your arguments by breaking down the ideas more logically and ensuring that each paragraph has a main point that is fully developed.
coherence cohesion
Start with a clear introduction that outlines your main arguments and ends with a summarizing conclusion.
task achievement
Use more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your response. The examples given were somewhat vague and could be more specific and detailed.
task achievement
Ensure that your ideas are fully developed and clearly expressed. Some of the points made were somewhat repetitive and could be made more concise.
task achievement
The essay does attempt to tackle the task at hand by explaining both the reasons and consequences of having too many choices.
coherence cohesion
The main points are clearly distinguished in separate paragraphs, which helps in understanding the structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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