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Band 5.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this idea?

#cultures #children #idea
Several cultures have the belief that children most of the time are unable to achieve anything they put hard work into. Thoughts like
this
 can have some benefits and drawbacks. The important advantages of
this
idea
 are related to
kids
 and
parents
. First of all,
this
idea
 can lead to a strong independent personality for
kids
.
For instance
, some
kids
 in the Olympic games have impressive personalities they are not afraid of failing and they totally understand their ability to achieve their goals at an early age.
In addition
,
this
 can cause a strong bond between the
child
 and the
parents
. Some results showed that a
child
 6-month-old can make their steps forward if his
parents
 carriage him and support him.
On the other hand
,
this
idea
 has some disadvantages.
This
idea
 can lead to serious mental disorders. If the
child
 fails
this
 may put a lot of stress and anxiety on the
child
's shoulders.
Moreover
, some
parents
 force their
kids
 to achieve something which is bound to their physical ability. Some children in age 6 or under can not hold the pen in the right way because the bones are still growing.
To sum up
 all, there is a pros and cons of
this
idea
 related to
parents
 and
kids
' behaviour. In general,
this
 thought needs to be more controlled to not lead to dangerous situations
Submitted by mmlohibi on

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task achievement
Work on providing more detailed examples to support your points. This will help to strengthen your arguments and make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on only one main idea. This will help to improve the clarity and coherence of your essay.
task achievement
Use a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to make your writing more engaging and varied.
introduction conclusion
Your introduction sets the context well and your conclusion summarizes the main points effectively.
complete response
You have covered both advantages and disadvantages of the topic, providing a balanced view.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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