IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that computer games can be detrimental for children's health. Others think that they can be great for education. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is argued by some that playing
computer
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games
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 can have harmful
consequences
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 on
children
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's health,
while
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 there are others who believe that
computer
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games
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 are beneficial in terms of education. In my opinion, I believe that
computer
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games
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 can badly affect
children
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's eyesight and encourage a sedentary lifestyle,
whereas
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 different
computer
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games
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 can help
children
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 learn and practice a new
language
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. On the one hand, many individuals believe that having poor eyesight is one of the
consequences
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 of playing
computer
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games
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. To put it simply, there is a tendency for
children
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 to spend their leisure idly playing
computer
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games
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 which might affect their eyesight, after spending a long period of
time
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 facing the screen especially if it is in a dark place.
Furthermore
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, having a sedentary lifestyle is one of the
consequences
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 of spending a long
time
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 playing
computer
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games
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 which can eventually lead to different health problems
such
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 as obesity.
On the other hand
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, video and
computer
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games
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 can be beneficial for
children
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 in terms of learning a new
language
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. Take
for example
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 English, which is considered as the first
language
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 in the world.
This
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 is to say that
while
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children
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 are playing those
games
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 with people from different countries they have to use English to communicate with each other.
Thus
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, many players will learn and practice English unintentionally which will help them in their future life.
Finally
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, In my opinion, being addicted to
computer
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games
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 can have serious effects on
children
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's health both mental and physical. To exemplify, many
children
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 might act or react aggressively
due to
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 the violence shown in those
games
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. Despite the harmful
consequences
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,
computer
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games
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 are quite helpful when it comes to education
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
they can be a method to acquire a new
language
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 quickly and in a relaxed manner.
To conclude
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,
computer
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games
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 can have many advantages and disadvantages at the same
time
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. I believe that it is important for parents to supervise their
children
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 and strike the right balance between leisure
time
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 activities and focusing on their studies.

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coherence cohesion
Try to enhance the logical structure of the essay by linking ideas more cohesively. Using more transitional phrases can help in achieving a smoother flow between paragraphs.
task achievement
Provide more detailed and relevant examples to support your points. This will make your arguments more convincing and support your main ideas more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in presenting a well-organized argument overall.
task achievement
You addressed both views of the topic and provided a clear and comprehensive response. This is essential for a high task achievement score.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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