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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that computer games can be detrimental for children's health. Others think that they can be great for education. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #computer #games #children #health #education
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It is argued by some that playing
computer
games
 can have harmful
consequences
 on
children
's health,
while
 there are others who believe that
computer
games
 are beneficial in terms of education. In my opinion, I believe that
computer
games
 can badly affect
children
's eyesight and encourage a sedentary lifestyle,
whereas
 different
computer
games
 can help
children
 learn and practice a new
language
. On the one hand, many individuals believe that having poor eyesight is one of the
consequences
 of playing
computer
games
. To put it simply, there is a tendency for
children
 to spend their leisure idly playing
computer
games
 which might affect their eyesight, after spending a long period of
time
 facing the screen especially if it is in a dark place.
Furthermore
, having a sedentary lifestyle is one of the
consequences
 of spending a long
time
 playing
computer
games
 which can eventually lead to different health problems
such
 as obesity.
On the other hand
, video and
computer
games
 can be beneficial for
children
 in terms of learning a new
language
. Take
for example
 English, which is considered as the first
language
 in the world.
This
 is to say that
while
children
 are playing those
games
 with people from different countries they have to use English to communicate with each other.
Thus
, many players will learn and practice English unintentionally which will help them in their future life.
Finally
, In my opinion, being addicted to
computer
games
 can have serious effects on
children
's health both mental and physical. To exemplify, many
children
 might act or react aggressively
due to
 the violence shown in those
games
. Despite the harmful
consequences
,
computer
games
 are quite helpful when it comes to education
in
Change preposition
apply
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which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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they can be a method to acquire a new
language
 quickly and in a relaxed manner.
To conclude
,
computer
games
 can have many advantages and disadvantages at the same
time
. I believe that it is important for parents to supervise their
children
 and strike the right balance between leisure
time
 activities and focusing on their studies.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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coherence cohesion
Try to enhance the logical structure of the essay by linking ideas more cohesively. Using more transitional phrases can help in achieving a smoother flow between paragraphs.
task achievement
Provide more detailed and relevant examples to support your points. This will make your arguments more convincing and support your main ideas more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in presenting a well-organized argument overall.
task achievement
You addressed both views of the topic and provided a clear and comprehensive response. This is essential for a high task achievement score.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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