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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

It is important for children to learn the differences between right and wrong at an early age.Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #differences #right #age #punishment #distinction
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It is a common belief that
punishment
 is crucial to teach
children
 the distinction between right and wrong.
However
, I strongly disagree with
this
 idea because sometimes
punishment
 can cause trauma to
children
 and damage relationships between family members.
To begin
 with, certain kinds of
punishment
 can be hazardous to an individual's emotional development. Especially in terms of verbal and physical
punishment
, it can severely traumatize
children
 in a negative way so it can possibly affect the rest of their lives. A recent survey in the US showed that 70% of depression patients who visited a psychology clinic had
experiences
Wrong verb form
experienced
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of
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apply
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verbal harassment from their parents when they were young. From
this
 data, it is evident that even a few bad words can have a negative impact on their emotional growth. Not only the trauma of
children
 but
also
 the disruption of relationships can be accompanied by
punishment
. Once the communication goes wrong between
children
 and parents, even
the
Correct word choice
if the
show examples
 original intention of teaching is still remaining, it can severely damage the bonding between families. From my personal experience, when I was 18, I would like to stop talking to my mom no matter what, if she tries to punish me. Once the trust is broken, it is impossible to teach
children
 the distinction between right and wrong regardless of its positive intention.
To conclude
, it is apparent that there are some advantages of
punishment
 to teach
children
, it is evident that the disadvantages far outweigh the advantages because they can harm an individual's emotional growth and disrupt
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
family relationships.
Submitted by JE on

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coherence cohesion
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coherence cohesion
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coherence cohesion
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task achievement
You have provided relevant examples to support your main points, which strengthens your argument.
coherence cohesion
The argument is generally well-organized and the points are logically presented.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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