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Band 5.5

In many countries around the world , rural people are moving to cities ,so the population in the country side is decreasing Do you think it is a positive or a negative development

#countries #world #people #cities #population #country #side #development
The benefit of moving to big
cities
 influences many countryside citizens to move there and
this
 issue happens around the world. I personally believe that
this
 notion has negative leverages and I will elaborate more on
this
 essay.
Firstly
,
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 countryside will experience a lack of professional workers if many people decide to live in big
cities
. As the large
cities
 offer a higher salary to employees, they tend to choose to stay there.
For example
, a regional
minimun
Correct your spelling
minimum
 wage in Demak regency is only Rp 2,500,000,
whereas
 Jakarta, the capital city of Indonesia, offers Rp 4,800,000 as the minimum wage, accounting to double
amount
Add an article
the amount
show examples
 from Demak.
Following
this
, it surely leads
vast
Change preposition
to vast
show examples
 workers leaving their rural areas.
Therefore
, many public facilities in the small regencies do not have enough professional
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
 to serve the public's
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
 and it will be difficult to reach an adequate quality service there.
Secondly
,
this
 migration phenomenon will cause certain problems in the
cities
due to
 overpopulation. As an enormous amount of people relocate to a metropolis and the current housing area is in short
supplies
Fix the agreement mistake
supply
show examples
, there will be a tight competition to having houses to live in.
For instance
, in Jakarta, many residents live on the edge of rivers, and studies showed that most of them are immigrants from rural areas.
As a result
, they will not have an
Correct your spelling
appropriate
appropiate
Correct your spelling
appropriate
 quality of life even though they already live in
big
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 metropolitan area In
conslusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, it is my conviction that moving to metropoles is not always the best option for rural citizens.
This
 action causes
further
 problems in terms of
professional
Fix the agreement mistake
professionals
show examples
 lacking in the town
left
Add a missing verb
being left
show examples
 behind and a housing crisis
due to
 overpopulation in the
cities
.
Submitted by chocolate10 on

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task achievement
Consider adding more detailed examples and evidence, especially for your second main point about overpopulation problems in cities.
coherence cohesion
Although the essay has a clear structure, there are areas where the transition between ideas could be smoother. For example, using more linking words between sentences and paragraphs can improve the flow.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear and complete response to the task, addressing both the negative impacts on rural areas and cities.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effectively executed, presenting the writer’s position clearly and summarizing key points.
task achievement
Specific examples, such as comparing minimum wages in Demak and Jakarta, are provided to support the arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • urbanization
  • infrastructure
  • overcrowding
  • standard of living
  • depopulation
  • agriculture
  • traditional industries
  • educational facilities
  • healthcare facilities
  • social issues
  • community ties
  • neglect
  • spill-over effects
  • remittances
  • investments
What to do next:
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