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Band 6

Some say that children should engage in co curricular activities and some say they should keep themselves busy on their own. Discuss both the view points and give your opinion

#say #children #co #activities #points
My interest in studying the ‘Graduate Diploma of Public Health’ at Torrens University comes from different reasons. First of all, Public Health is a crucial field to manage and control healthcare systems
as well as
 introduce health promotion and disease prevention policies.
Secondly
, it is required to dive deeper into healthcare research implementing public health techniques to implement precise methodologies and accurate results.
Additionally
,
although
 it is well known that there are multiple universities which offer programs related to ‘Public Health’ not only in Colombia but
also
 in Australia, the curriculum offered by Torrens University has a perfect balance between its core subjects and its specialisations with some topics which definitely are not available in other institutions. Concomitantly, people from developing countries should learn and implement emerging tools in countries where there are well-structured academic programs.
Then
, integrative learning by completing international training will give me appropriate innovative tools which will be correctly implemented in my country in order to improve our healthcare regulations and management.
Finally
, my mid-term future goals are related to applying for a medical speciality training program in Internal Medicine.
Therefore
,
this
 course will complete my curriculum to be more competitive and outstanding.
Submitted by luciaagudelomotta on

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coherence cohesion
It looks like your essay has a strong introduction and body paragraphs, but it lacks a clear conclusion that ties all points together.
coherence cohesion
Ensure there are smooth transitions between your paragraphs to enhance the flow of the essay.
task achievement
You should include more specific examples or experiences to back up your claims about the importance of Public Health and the education system at Torrens University.
task achievement
Your task response is very comprehensive. You clearly address why you are interested in studying Public Health and specifically at Torrens University.
coherence cohesion
You generally maintain a logical structure throughout your essay, making it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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