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Band 4

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part pf high school programmes ( for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #community #service #part #pf #school #programmes #charity #neighbourhood #sports #children
These
days
,
people
 care about their children, some
people
 think young
people
 should learn outside of their
school
, other
people
 have different thinking they say we should not make stress for young
people
. personally, I believe that young
people
 must
work
 to improve their
skills
, in
this
 essay I will discuss both their
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
 and I will give my reasons.
firstly
, one of the biggest points is that working after
school
 can improve our
skills
.
For example
, if you have a
son
 who has worked for a short time he will learn a lot from his
work
.
This
 means, when your
son
 has
work
 perhaps he
learn
Correct subject-verb agreement
learns
show examples
 a new thing and he will take a new experience.
secondly
, on the other
side
Add a comma
side,
show examples
 some
people
 think when your
son
 has plenty of hours he will get life pressure.
However
, we should respect their
opinion
,
in addition
, more and more
days
 young
people
 have
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 different
thinkingThese
Correct your spelling
thinking these
days
,
people
 care about their children, some
people
 think young
people
 should learn outside of their
school
, other
people
 have different thinking they say we should not make stress for young
people
. personally, I believe that young
people
 must
work
 to improve their
skills
, in
this
 essay I will discuss both their
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
 and I will give my reasons.
firstly
, one of the biggest points is that working after
school
 can improve our
skills
.
For example
, if you have a
son
 who has worked for a short time he will learn a lot from his
work
.
This
 means, when your
son
 has
work
 perhaps he
learn
Correct subject-verb agreement
learns
show examples
 a new thing and he will take a new experience.
secondly
, on the other
side
Add a comma
side,
show examples
 some
people
 think when your
son
 has plenty of hours he will get life pressure.
However
, we should respect their
opinion
,
in addition
, more and more
days
 young
people
 have much different thinking
Submitted by yosf1010 on

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structural
Your essay lacks a clear structure. Aim to have a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Try starting with introducing the topic and your stance, followed by separate paragraphs that discuss each main point.
development
The ideas are not fully developed and sometimes repetitive. Ensure each paragraph provides a new point or a different perspective relevant to the topic.
language
Minimize grammatical and language errors. Aim to use a range of vocabulary and complex sentences to better express your ideas clearly.
development
You have attempted to discuss both sides of the argument, which is good for balanced discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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