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Band 3.5

Some people believe that children of all ages should have an extra responsibilities (for example helping at home or at work). Others believe that, outside of school, children should be free to enjoy life.

#people #children #ages #responsibilities #home #work #school #life
Nowadays many individuals think that
children
Correct article usage
the children
show examples
 generation should learn how to
work
 and be
responsibility
Replace the word
responsible
show examples
,
while
 other people believe
children
 should be free and spend
childhood
Correct pronoun usage
their childhood
show examples
 time
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
outside. In
this
 essay, I will
discus
Correct your spelling
discuss
show examples
 both
side
Fix the agreement mistake
sides
show examples
nations
Change preposition
of nations
show examples
 and
explane
Correct your spelling
explain
.
To begin
 with, there are some reasons why
children
 should take on extra
responsibility
 when they finish
studing
Correct your spelling
studying
 at school in a day. Not only parents must do housework after
long
Add an article
a long
show examples
 and hard
day
Fix the agreement mistake
days
show examples
 of
work
 but
also
children
 should help with house chores.
For
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 some kind of parents
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 businesses and
children
 come to
work
 or help
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
during
leisure
Correct pronoun usage
their leisure
show examples
 time to get more
experiense
Correct your spelling
experience
. Clearly, it all helps to young generation to be more
responsibility
Replace the word
responsible
show examples
 and ready
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 adulthood time. Despite the above,
children
 should be free from some kind of
work
 and
activities
 at
this
 age. In fact, most
children
 are more likely to go out with friends or participate in sports
activities
 than
doing
Change the verb form
to do
show examples
 housework or
helping
Wrong verb form
help
show examples
 neighbours. Statistics show that without diversity in
activities
,
children
 may not be able to learn essential qualities in life
such
 as sympathy or compassion.
As a result
,
children
 would lack the necessary skills in life.
To sum up
,
while
children
 can freely participate in extracurricular
activities
, I believe we should put more
responsibility
 on them for their own good.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task response
Ensure you address all parts of the essay prompt. You should provide a more balanced discussion of both viewpoints.
task response
Work on improving the clarity and precision of your ideas. Some parts of the essay are a bit unclear due to grammatical issues.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present but can be enhanced. The introduction needs to be stronger, clearly stating your stance.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has smooth transitions between ideas to improve the overall flow.
task response
You touched on both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the task.
task achievement
You provided examples and explanations, which adds substance to your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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