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Writing Samples /
Band 3

In current days people says that influence of adversiting some products are motive to sell products instead of demand of this product, I agree with that because actually people buy products more to instinct than necessity.

#people #influence #products #motive #demand #product #instinct #necessity
Firstly
, There are
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 to people buy
products
 when they do not need
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
, our mind works
different
Change the adjective
differently
show examples
that
Correct word choice
than
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 we think. Most consumers are hypnotized by marketing campaigns and the companies spend a lot of money to research and
discovered
Wrong verb form
discover
show examples
 how they can sell more and more based
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 our wishes. Our mindset is programmed since we
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 been
Add an article
a child
show examples
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 to compare material
thinks
Correct your spelling
things
show examples
 or to be
how
Correct word choice
like
show examples
others person
Fix the agreement mistake
other people
show examples
 that we have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
admired.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
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 buyers always can the same clothes or jewels
like
Change preposition
as
show examples
 a famous celebrity,
furthermore
, buy a specific technology
such
 as a mobile phone
while
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 a new model
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 been launched.
On the other hand
, there are some
products
 in
marketplace
Add an article
the marketplace
show examples
 with remarkable sales only because
quality
Change preposition
of quality
show examples
 production or usability, and it
occurs
Verb problem
apply
show examples
usually with new
products
, as soon as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 famous, probably the industry will invest in massive and large marketing campaigns. In conclusion,
although
 there are some
products
 that have
surging
Wrong verb form
surged
show examples
 only based on awesome characteristics, In my
opnion
Correct your spelling
opinion
, our minds are easily influenced by marketing and by other people, it is a tendency to copy or show that we can buy
moreover
 a way to show power, and it far
outweigh
Change the verb form
outweighs
show examples
 whatever good specification of
products
.
Submitted by lucianocamilot on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a coherent argument but could benefit from a clearer structure, particularly in the introduction and conclusion. Introducing your opinion more explicitly at the beginning would help guide the reader through your essay.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your claims, and elaborate on these examples to demonstrate a clear relationship between advertising and consumer behavior.
coherence cohesion
While your ideas are valid, the argumentation can be clearer. For instance, the transition between discussing consumer behavior and product quality could be smoother.
general
Be cautious with grammar and syntax. Phrases like 'our mind works different that we think' and 'our mindset is programmed since we has been child' contain errors. Improving these would enhance clarity.
task achievement
You effectively highlight the significant role advertising plays in influencing consumer behavior, which is the central point of the essay.
task achievement
There is a clear attempt to discuss both sides of the argument, which demonstrates balance.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion neatly summarizes your main points and reiterates your opinion, providing a sense of closure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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