IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Mobile phones have brought many benefits, but they have also had negative effects. Do the disadvantages of having mobile mobile-phones outweigh the advantages?

#phones #effects #mobile-phones
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The cell
phones
Use synonyms
, which we have been using,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
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 us with a great deal of convenience and benefits,
nevertheless
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 it could
make
Verb problem
cause
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 some drawbacks
for
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to
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people
Use synonyms
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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.
Although
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 there are too many positives
for
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to
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 obtaining information and
doing
Verb problem
apply
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communication
Replace the word
communicating
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 effortlessly, some individuals are getting less active by using
phones
Use synonyms
 wrongly. More recent
decedes
Correct your spelling
decades
 mobile
phones
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 have been giving diverse opportunities for
people
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. One of the finest
side
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sides
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 of it is getting in touch easily.
This
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 possibility makes
individuals
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individuals'
individual's
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 life better.
That is
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 to say, in order to speak with whoever, it will not require too much effort. Apart from that, as a result of communication ,
distribution
Correct article usage
the distribution
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 of data is getting quicker than
previous
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in previous
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 years.
For instance
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, over the past years, to inform some rules or somewhats , they had to gather every
citizens
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citizen
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 in one place, but it is arduous to do so.
Therefore
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, with reference to
people
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, it is
useful
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a useful
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 tool to be aware
about
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of
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 all quickly.
On the other hand
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,
while
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 individuals find other handy ways of using
phones
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, some influencers have already found the methods utilising
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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negatively
Change the word
negative
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. The main reason
of
Change preposition
for
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 that,
it
Add a missing verb
is it
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 really
disturbes
Correct your spelling
disturbed
disturbs
 and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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attracts humans
,
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apply
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so
that
Correct word choice
apply
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it is hard to concentrate on one thing fully now.
For example
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, many parents have observed that, in
students
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students'
student's
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 lives the massive distruber has already been mobile
phones
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 ,
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due
Correct word choice
and due
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 to
this
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 their learning efficiency is being reduced.
Thus
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, there are
also
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 negatives which can interrupt
people
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, especially when they need to focus on their
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
. In conclusion, as far as I am concerned
that
Correct word choice
apply
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, even though there
a
Add a missing verb
are a
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lot of detrimental aspects of it, beneficial features are dominated constantly. Owing to
this
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,
people
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 can not overcome from drawbacks
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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easily because they have
adopted
Correct your spelling
adapted
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 to
this
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 type of life.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance the logical structure of your essay, ensure each paragraph is focused on a single idea and flows smoothly from one point to the next. Use transitional phrases to help guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
Providing more specific examples and elaborating on your points would strengthen your argument and make your essay more persuasive. For instance, you could include statistics or studies related to phone usage and its impacts.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are present, try refining them to be more impactful. Clearly state your stance in the introduction and summarize your key points more succinctly in the conclusion.
task achievement
Work on articulating your ideas more clearly and comprehensively. Avoid vague statements and ensure each idea or argument is thoroughly explained.
task achievement
Your essay covers both the advantages and disadvantages of mobile phones, showing a balanced perspective.
coherence cohesion
The overall structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, is present and effective.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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