IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe school children should be given multiple short vacations, while others believe they should get one long vacation. Give the advantages of both and express your own point of view.

#people #school #children #vacations #vacation #point
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some people argue that
schools
Use synonyms
 should give multiple short-duration
vacations
Use synonyms
 for school
children
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others believe they should be given
one
Use synonyms
 extended
vacation
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
.
Although
Linking Words
 regular
mini
Add a hyphen
mini-vacations
show examples
vacations
Use synonyms
 can help
children
Use synonyms
 loosen up and
relief
Replace the word
relieve
show examples
 stress, I believe that giving a long
vacation
Use synonyms
 is beneficial because it allows pupils to properly explore foreign
countries
Use synonyms
. On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand,
regular
Correct article usage
a regular
show examples
 short
vacation
Use synonyms
 can be stress relieving.
That is
Linking Words
 to say that
children
Use synonyms
 can take
time
Use synonyms
 off from studying, multiple times a year.
This
Linking Words
 will give them a sense of freedom away
for
Change preposition
from
show examples
 school and they can do things that they love, like going on small adventures with their family and friends.
For example
Linking Words
, all
schools
Use synonyms
 in Sri Lanka have holidays scheduled every two months and it lasts for about 1 week. During
this
Linking Words
time
Use synonyms
, school
students
Use synonyms
 enjoy their
time
Use synonyms
 with their parents, without worrying about their studies.
However
Linking Words
, it is impossible to do certain activities if
students
Use synonyms
 are given
vacations
Use synonyms
 that only
last
Linking Words
 for a week or two.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
 can go on trips that
last
Linking Words
 for a long
time
Use synonyms
, which is enough
time
Use synonyms
 to explore a foreign country.
For instance
Linking Words
,
European
Correct article usage
the European
show examples
 education system provides
children
Use synonyms
 with a
months’
Change noun form
month’s
show examples
 worth of holidays during the winter. Many families use
this
Linking Words
 opportunity to travel to tropical
countries
Use synonyms
 with their
children
Use synonyms
, where they explore the culture and landscape of these places.
Therefore
Linking Words
, just like
schools
Use synonyms
 in Europe, other
countries
Use synonyms
 should have
one
Use synonyms
 long
vacation
Use synonyms
 system in their
schools
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, it is true that small
vacations
Use synonyms
 can take some stress off the shoulders of pupils;
however
Linking Words
, I believe that
one
Use synonyms
 long
vacation
Use synonyms
 would be ideal
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because
students
Use synonyms
 will get more
time
Use synonyms
 to explore what other
countries
Use synonyms
 have to provide.
Submitted by sajeendranrajakumar on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to enhance your essay by providing more detailed examples and elaborating on how they directly support your arguments. This can strengthen your task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
Your essay could benefit from more cohesive transitions between paragraphs. This would enhance the logical flow of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction clearly states both sides of the argument to provide better balance and framing for the discussion that follows.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a good overall structure.
task achievement
You provided relevant specific examples to support your arguments, which strengthens the essay's persuasiveness.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • consistently
  • frequent intervals
  • preventing burnout
  • information retention
  • consolidate knowledge
  • short getaways
  • strengthening family bonds
  • comprehensive rest
  • unwind
  • mental and emotional recharging
  • structured planning
  • extensive trips
  • academic projects
  • internships
  • continuity
  • in-depth understanding
What to do next:
Look at other essays: