IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some experts believe that when a country is already rich, any additional increase in economic wealth does not make its citizens any more satisfied. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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With an ever-increasing concern about the relation between economic
wealth
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 and happiness, some
individuals
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 have opined that economic
increase
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 in rich
countries
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 does not imply more
satisfaction
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 for their
citizens
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.
This
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 essay will,
however
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, provide some reasons why I firmly disagree with the given opinion.
To begin
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 with, some
individuals
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 argue that an additional
increase
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 in the economy in a rich country would not bring
further
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satisfaction
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 to
citizens
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. From the perspective of
individuals
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, they have been suffering from a sense of desire and feelings
due to
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 circumstances where those are not the materials that can be solved with economic
wealth
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.
Therefore
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, those
individuals
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 can not benefit from an additional
increase
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 in economic
wealth
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.
Furthermore
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, compared to non-wealthy
countries
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, wealthy
countries
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 have shown the highest suicide rates which proves that being economically wealthy has less impact on an individual's
satisfaction
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 of life. In spite of those reasons mentioned above, I completely contend that an additional
increase
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 in economic
wealth
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 does make its
citizens
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 more satisfied. Providing a few agreements on previous arguments and moving to other
individuals
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 can illuminate a different perspective. The
most
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highest
show examples
 priority is to maximize their mental and physical well-being, and
this
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consequently
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 demonstrates the increased life quality standards through enough financial provisions
such
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 as high-quality education and work-life balance.
Therefore
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, an additional
increase
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 in economic
wealth
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 would be beneficial for
citizens
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 for their sense of happiness.
Moreover
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, other factors must be weighed in appreciating the actual causal relationship between the increased economic
wealth
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 and the
satisfaction
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 of
citizens
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. In conclusion, some
individuals
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 argue that an additional
increase
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 in economic
wealth
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 in rich
countries
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 will not satisfy the
citizens
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.
Nevertheless
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, making
citizens
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'
satisfaction
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 more achievable will require more considerations, and
thus
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 most relevant parties in the society should be entirely involved for more sustainable advantages.

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task achievement
Work on providing more specific examples to support your arguments. Currently, the essay lacks concrete instances or studies that could strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar. A few sentences are slightly unclear, which can affect the overall readability of your essay.
task achievement
Clear stance: You have very clearly stated your position on the topic and maintained it throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Logical organization: Your essay is well-organized with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Solid main points: The main arguments you presented are coherent and relevant to the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • economic wealth
  • happiness
  • basic needs
  • well-being
  • quality of life
  • satisfaction
  • hedonic adaptation
  • social connections
  • community involvement
  • personal fulfillment
  • opportunities
  • leisure activities
  • psychological phenomenon
  • diminishing returns
  • affluence
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