IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays, many families have both parents working. Some working parents believe other family members like grandparents can take care of their children, while others think childcare centres provide the best care. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Opinions are divided on whether
children
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 can be looked after by grandparents because their
parents
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 have to work or whether
childcare
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centres
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 are the most effective
care
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.
While
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 I understand the logic behind the former view, I am still in favour of the latter. Those who believe that old people can take
care
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 of their kids may have an argument. They may well argue that family members can
care
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 for kids carefully.
This
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 may be true because
children
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 who stay at home can be provided with the highest standard of food
as well as
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 living.
This
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 will bring many benefits in developing the
children
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's physical
as well as
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 mental health
such
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 as gaining weight or feeling comfortable when living far away
parents
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.
As a result
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, taking
care
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 of
children
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 is the responsibility of grandparents
while
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 their
parents
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 are working.
For instance
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, many Vietnamese families have both
parents
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 working, the
children
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 are usually sent to the countryside for grandparents because of trust.
Nevertheless
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, I still believe that
childcare
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centres
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 can provide the best
care
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 to
children
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 for a reason. Chief among these is that the quality of the study environment can have a positive impact on the awareness of
children
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. The reason for
this
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 is that kids communicate with others like friends or teachers early, thereby building their confidence and developing study skills which is beneficial for their future.
Furthermore
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, if they can take advantage of basic lessons about soft skills, it will help them to develop comprehensively.
As a result
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,
parents
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 tend to enrol in
childcare
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centres
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 for
children
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.
This
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 helps adults have more time to tackle their problems in life
as well as
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 encourages
children
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 to be interested in learning. In conclusion, it is understandable why some may argue that old people can
care
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 for
children
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 effectively.
However
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, I would take the view that
childcare
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centres
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 can provide the best
care
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.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-structured and coherent. However, to reach a higher band, ensure that transitions between paragraphs and ideas are even smoother. Use linking phrases consistently to enhance the logical flow of the argument.
task achievement
You have responded effectively to the task and provided a complete argument. To improve further, ensure every point you make is deeply developed with specific and relevant examples. This will help in providing a comprehensive argument.
coherence cohesion
Try to balance the length of your body paragraphs. This will give a more cohesive appearance to your essay and ensure that each point is equally emphasized.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and well-connected to the task, making your essay easy to follow.
task achievement
Your task response is strong, as you have effectively discussed both views and provided a reasoned opinion.
task achievement
Your language use, particularly in providing clear and comprehensive ideas, is impressive and contributes to a strong argument.
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