The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and solution of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #ten #years #trend

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In recent years, the number of unfit

children

in Western countries has been reported to rise unexpectedly in the

last

one

Correct pronoun usage

apply

show examples

decade.

Therefore

, in

this

essay, I will discuss some causes of why

this

happen

Change the verb form

happens

show examples

and the solution to prevent it. With the advancement in technology, there has been much modification

Change preposition

show examples

food

This

lead

Correct subject-verb agreement

leads

show examples

to the creativity of neglecting the quality of the

food

nutrients, including in producing confectionary

food

and snacks.

However

children

as consumers are unaware of the effect of consuming too much of them as the

intake

of artificial

sweetener

Fix the agreement mistake

sweeteners

show examples

and other chemical ingredients will lead to obesity.

Moreover

this

situation is

also

supported by

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

other

factor

Fix the agreement mistake

factors

show examples

such

as the power of marketing.

For instance

children

choose to eat cereals for breakfast because the mascots create an exciting eating experience, yet they forget to realize that the

sugar

intake

in cereal is far higher.

However

, there are a few concrete steps to prevent the increasing percentage of overweight

children

Firstly

, the government must provide

Remove the article

apply

show examples

guidance regarding the necessary

sugar

intake

for

children

moderate

Add an article

a moderate

show examples

rate. The second solution is restricting companies

Change preposition

from

show examples

using artificial

sweetener

Fix the agreement mistake

sweeteners

show examples

food

manufacturing.

Lastly

, the government should create an effective campaign that will educate both parents and

children

about the dangers of eating processed foods and ensure that all parents understand

this

situation. In conclusion,

while

the trend of overweight

children

pose

Change the verb form

poses

show examples

a threat to the future generation, some solutions like restricting artificial

sugar

food

production and providing guidance for

sugar

intake

and

campaign

Fix the agreement mistake

campaigns

show examples

will absolutely prevent

this

case

to happen

Change preposition

from happening

show examples

beyond what is expected.

Submitted by kelly on Fri Jun 14 2024

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coherence cohesion

Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, and consistently refer back to this idea to maintain coherence.

task achievement

Further elaborate on your points with more specific examples and detailed explanations to enhance clarity and comprehensiveness.

coherence cohesion

Vary your sentence structures and use a range of cohesive devices to improve the overall flow of the essay.

introduction conclusion

You have presented a clear introductory paragraph that sets the stage for your discussion.

task achievement

Your essay provides a complete response to the task by discussing both the causes and potential solutions for the increase in overweight children.

introduction conclusion

You have concluded the essay effectively by summarizing the main points and reiterating the importance of the solutions.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

11
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
4
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
14
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

267 words

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Certainly, let's enhance the essay to potentially achieve a Band 9 in IELTS Writing:

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and solution of this disturbing trend.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Some people think that mothers should spend most of their time rasing their family , and therefore the government should support them financially. do you agree or dsagree?

‎ Some young people leave the countryside to live in cities or towns, leaving only ‎older people in the countryside. What are the problems of this issue? What can ‎be done to solve this problem?‎

The diagrams below are existing and proposed floor plans for the redevelopment of an art gallery.

Many criminals re-offend after they have been punished. why do some people continue to commit crimes after they have been punished and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?