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The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and solution of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #ten #years #trend
In recent years, the number of unfit
children
 in Western countries has been reported to rise unexpectedly in the
last
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
decade.
Therefore
, in
this
 essay, I will discuss some causes of why
this
happen
Change the verb form
happens
show examples
 and the solution to prevent it. With the advancement in technology, there has been much modification
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
food
.
This
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to the creativity of neglecting the quality of the
food
 nutrients, including in producing confectionary
food
 and snacks.
However
,
children
 as consumers are unaware of the effect of consuming too much of them as the
intake
 of artificial
sweetener
Fix the agreement mistake
sweeteners
show examples
 and other chemical ingredients will lead to obesity.
Moreover
,
this
 situation is
also
 supported by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
factor
Fix the agreement mistake
factors
show examples
,
such
 as the power of marketing.
For instance
,
children
 choose to eat cereals for breakfast because the mascots create an exciting eating experience, yet they forget to realize that the
sugar
intake
 in cereal is far higher.
However
, there are a few concrete steps to prevent the increasing percentage of overweight
children
.
Firstly
, the government must provide
a
Remove the article
apply
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guidance regarding the necessary
sugar
intake
 for
children
 at
moderate
Add an article
a moderate
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 rate. The second solution is restricting companies
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 using artificial
sweetener
Fix the agreement mistake
sweeteners
show examples
 in
food
 manufacturing.
Lastly
, the government should create an effective campaign that will educate both parents and
children
 about the dangers of eating processed foods and ensure that all parents understand
this
 situation. In conclusion,
while
 the trend of overweight
children
pose
Change the verb form
poses
show examples
 a threat to the future generation, some solutions like restricting artificial
sugar
 in
food
 production and providing guidance for
sugar
intake
 and
campaign
Fix the agreement mistake
campaigns
show examples
 will absolutely prevent
this
 case
to happen
Change preposition
from happening
show examples
 beyond what is expected.
Submitted by kelly on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, and consistently refer back to this idea to maintain coherence.
task achievement
Further elaborate on your points with more specific examples and detailed explanations to enhance clarity and comprehensiveness.
coherence cohesion
Vary your sentence structures and use a range of cohesive devices to improve the overall flow of the essay.
introduction conclusion
You have presented a clear introductory paragraph that sets the stage for your discussion.
task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the task by discussing both the causes and potential solutions for the increase in overweight children.
introduction conclusion
You have concluded the essay effectively by summarizing the main points and reiterating the importance of the solutions.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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