Some people think that manufacturers and shopping malls should sell fewer packaged products while others argue that pople have the responsibilty to buy products with less packaging. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Many individuals believe that packaged
products
should be sold less by
manufacturers
and shopping malls,
in contrast
, other
people
dispute that it is necessary for
people
's responsibilities when buying
products
with less packaging. In my opinion, I entirely agree with the belief that we should buy
products
which have less packaging for several reasons and
also
discuss both advantages and disadvantages. There are many
possibility
Change to a plural noun
possibilities
show examples
that make the shopping alls or
manufacturers
sell fewer packaged
products
. One obvious issue is the big impact on the
environment
.
This
can lead to many disasters
such
as drought,
earthquakes
Correct word choice
and earthquakes
show examples
,.. by using nylon or plastic to package
products
.
This
is why many
people
think about the idea that packaged
products
should be less by the
manufacturers
and shopping malls to improve the quality of habits.
Furthermore
, reduce using these plastic things can cause more carbon dioxide and
also
increase the amount of greenhouse gases which can be harmful to the
environment
and
people
's health.
On the other hand
, these problems
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
not just caused by
manufacturers
or shopping malls but
also
by humans. The first issue is that buying too many packaged
products
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
affected by human desire so
people
also
play an important role in a large number of packaged
products
. What is more harmful, it
also
does harm to
people
's
environment
and state, especially
human's
Change noun form
human
show examples
health. In conclusion, I strongly support the belief that
people
should reduce the consumption of packaged
products
due to
their responsibilities to protect both the
environment
and health. It can improve the quality of the air and reduce the occurrence of disasters which can do harm to
people
's lives.

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task achievement
Clarify your arguments and avoid repetitive statements. For example, instead of repeating that packaged products harm the environment, elaborate on different types of packaging or alternative solutions.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details. Each paragraph should flow logically to the next.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to support your points. For instance, mention specific cases where reducing packaging has had a positive impact.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear stance and addresses both sides of the issue.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and generally well-structured.

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