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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Mobile phones have brought many benefits, but they have also had negative effects. Do the disadvantages of having mobile phones outweigh the advantages?

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Mobile
phones
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 offer
people
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 many advantages
as well as
Linking Words
 disadvantages.
Although
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 mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 could cause some health problems and an addictive sedentary lifestyle, they make communication and education so easy. Mobile
phones
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 have several disadvantages. Nowadays, most
people
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 are addicted to a sedentary lifestyle because of their
phones
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. They waste a lot of time surfing the internet or social media and do not do anything the whole day.
According to
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 statistics, young
people
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 spend approximately 10–12 hours per day using their
phones
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.
Moreover
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,
phones
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 can cause some health problems. Because they have extremely harmful radioactive rays.
For example
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, 70% of eyesight illnesses are caused by using mobile
phones
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.
Thus
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, they have some negative effects on
people
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's lives.
On the other hand
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, mobile
phones
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 have made many convenient for
people
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. Cell
phones
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 have made communication easier than in the past. Today,
people
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 can
contact
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 anyone,
such
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 as their friends, parents, or others, at any time.
Phones
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 allow us to
contact
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 our relationship through video or voice calls, text messages, and more.
For example
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, in the past, it was difficult to
contact
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 someone.
However
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, everyone uses their own
phones
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 to connect with each other today.
Furthermore
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, we use mobile
phones
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 for many purposes, like online shopping, email access, navigation, calculators, the internet, entertainment, and so on. More and more students utilize their
phones
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 to find information, online lessons, and other purposes.
As a result
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, a large number of students could join the lessons of international teachers by using mobile
phones
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.
Therefore
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, mobile
phones
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 have several positive effects on
people
Use synonyms
's lives. In conclusion, mobile
phones
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 could cause some negative results, like health problems and sedentary lifestyles.
However
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, it is easy to
contact
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 others by using
phones
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.
Thus
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, mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 have more advantages the disadvantages.

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task achievement
You adequately addressed the task by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of mobile phones. However, you could improve your response by providing more depth and detail in your arguments. For example, offering additional evidence or examples would make your points more compelling.
task achievement
Ensure that your arguments are fully developed. You mentioned health problems due to mobile phones' radioactive rays, but this point could be elaborated more clearly. Some claims, like the statistic about eyesight illnesses, need to be backed by credible sources.
coherence cohesion
Work on refining your transitions to make your essay flow more smoothly. While your essay is well-structured, using more varied and sophisticated linking words and phrases would improve coherence organically.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is great. Try to make the conclusion slightly more impactful by summarizing the main points or providing a thoughtful final statement on whether the advantages or disadvantages of mobile phones outweigh the other more definitively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized, with clear paragraphs that each address a specific aspect of the topic. This makes it easy to follow your arguments.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples to support your points, such as the improvement in communication with mobile phones and their educational benefits.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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