IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

the bar chart shows attendance of people in different ages in music events in Australia in 2006.

the bar chart shows attendance of people in different ages in music events in Australia in 2006.
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The bar chart demonstrates the proportion of the Australians attending
in
Change preposition
apply
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different
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 throughout 2006. The data is measured by per cent. Generally speaking, classical was the least common
music
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
events
Fix the agreement mistake
event
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 in all
age
Use synonyms
 groups,
whereas
Linking Words
, popular was the most common one among young people.
In addition
Linking Words
, opera obtained
the
Correct article usage
apply
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similar percentages in all ages, with the exception of people before
the
Correct article usage
apply
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middle
age
Use synonyms
. Looking at the popular and classical categories, it can be observed that there were 38% of the individuals
in
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
age
Replace the word
aged
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of
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apply
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15-24
participating
Wrong verb form
participated
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 in popular
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 was followed by the proportion of individuals
aging
Replace the word
aged
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 from 25-44 which ranged from 27% to 33%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the popularity of common
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 was proportional to the increase
of
Change preposition
in
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age
Use synonyms
. In comparison, classical
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 were
all
Correct determiner usage
apply
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the lowest category in every
age
Use synonyms
. Turning to the remaining statistics, opera solely accounted
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
 13% to 15%
in
Change preposition
of
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 the rates of the 15-34 and over 45 Australians. As far as the percentage of people from the
age
Use synonyms
 of 35-44 has been concerned,
which
Correct pronoun usage
it
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 was the highest one in all
age
Use synonyms
 groups with 25%.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words music, events, age with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • attendance patterns
  • age demographics
  • teenagers
  • young adults
  • middle-aged individuals
  • senior citizens
  • varies
  • preferences
  • interpret
  • type of music events
  • concerts
  • festivals
  • classical music events
  • insightful
  • popular
  • cultural influences
  • social trends
  • lifestyle choices
  • affect
  • rates
  • economic factors
  • accessibility
  • cost of tickets
  • income levels
  • comparison
  • recreational activities
  • forms of entertainment
  • noting trends
  • deviations
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