Instructions Read the question below and write an opinion essay. Remember to write down a clear thesis statement followed by your essay plan. Only then attempt to write this essay. Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth rather than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To What extent do you agree or disagree?

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In today’s society, the prominence of

celebrities

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is often tied more to their wealth and glamour than their actual

achievements

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. I agree to a considerable extent that

this

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phenomenon sets a detrimental example for young

people

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, who may prioritize superficial success over genuine accomplishments.

Firstly

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, modern

celebrities

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are frequently celebrated for their luxurious lifestyles rather than their contributions to society. Social

media

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platforms like Instagram and TikTok amplify

this

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trend, showcasing the opulent lives of influencers and reality TV stars who lack substantial

achievements

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For instance

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, individuals

such

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as the Kardashians are often in the limelight for their extravagant lifestyles rather than any notable talents or societal contributions.

This

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glorification of wealth and glamour has significant implications for the younger generation. Young

people

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, who are impressionable and in the process of forming their identities, often emulate these

celebrities

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This

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can lead to a culture where superficial attributes are valued over hard work and perseverance.

For example

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, many teenagers aspire to become social

media

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influencers, focusing on aesthetics and material possessions, rather than pursuing careers that require skill and dedication.

However

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, it is

also

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essential to acknowledge that there are

celebrities

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renowned for their genuine

achievements

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such

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as athletes and scientists. Figures like Elon Musk

Correct word choice

and

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Serena Williams have made significant contributions in their respective fields.

Nevertheless

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, these individuals receive less

media

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attention compared to those famous for their glamorous lives.

This

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imbalance in

media

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representation

further

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skews the perception of success among young

people

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. In conclusion,

while

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there are

celebrities

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who are famous for their significant accomplishments, the overwhelming focus on wealth and glamour in today’s

media

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sets a harmful precedent for young

people

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. It is crucial to shift our societal values towards recognizing and celebrating genuine

achievements

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to provide a more positive and constructive role model for the younger generation.

eparfenenkovThu Jul 04 2024

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coherence cohesion

While the essay is generally well-structured, consider expanding the counter-argument about celebrities known for genuine achievements. This will provide a more balanced view.

task achievement

Add a specific example of a young person inspired by superficial success to further illustrate the essay’s main points.

task achievement

Ensure all ideas directly support the thesis to maintain a clear and focused argument. Watch out for any minor deviations.

task achievement

The thesis statement is clear and directly addresses the prompt.

coherence cohesion

The essay has a logical structure, with clear introductory and concluding paragraphs.

task achievement

The use of specific examples, such as the Kardashians, effectively supports the main argument.

10
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
4
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

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Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 7.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 8.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 8.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

5 paragraphs

301 words

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