In many countries people are now living longer than ever before. Some say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

Nowadays

due to

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advancements in science, the life span of individuals has increased as compared to in past. It is believed by some that older

people

Use synonyms

create problems for the local authorities,

whereas

Linking Words

several are of the opinion that the elderly are beneficial for the community. In my personal view, I agree with the former notion because an ageing population puts a burden on the healthcare system and there are fewer higher positions at work available for young

people

Use synonyms

in offices.

To begin

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with, the increase in the age of

people

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has put a lot of stress on the already burdened healthcare system. To elaborate, developing countries have limited budgets to support the hospitals and the division of finances has to be

accordingly

Linking Words

for old and young.

For instance

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, a survey conducted by the World Health Organization in India in the year 2019 revealed that; the increase in the number of old

people

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and their requirements led to a shortage of funds in many small cities.

Consequently

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this

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led to poor management of babies and the elderly

due to

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a decrease in capital assigned by the government.

Linking Words

Furthermore

Add a comma

Furthermore,

show examples

similarly

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, the workplaces

also

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face an issue as all the managerial positions are mostly occupied by

people

Use synonyms

above 60 years old. To

further

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explain it, older individuals have a rigid way of working with very little creativity as compared to the younger population

as a result

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there is not much innovation seen in new products.

For example

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, a study carried out by the Wall Street Journal in the year 2019 concluded that the marketing techniques introduced by fresh graduates were more engaging.

Therefore

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, for better sales and economy, hiring young individuals in executive positions is more rewarding.

To conclude

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, even though there is an upside to having an ageing population in society the downside cannot be overcome. The burden of the healthcare system and

also

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the workplaces

due to

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the increasing percentage of old

people

Use synonyms

can lead to serious issues in the future for the governments.

hnm0804

Jun 14, 2024

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task achievement

Your essay provides a well-developed response to the task prompt, clearly stating your position and including relevant examples. However, be careful with the structure and ensure smooth flow between ideas. Improving the transitions between paragraphs can enhance overall coherence.

coherence cohesion

You have logically structured your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Yet, focusing more on the coherence between individual ideas within the paragraphs would make the essay even stronger. Adding more connecting phrases would help.

introduction conclusion present

Your introduction is clear and sets a solid foundation for the essay. This helps the reader understand the direction of your argument from the start.

relevant specific examples

The use of specific examples, such as the survey by the World Health Organization and the study by the Wall Street Journal, strengthens your argument.

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15
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 7.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 8.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

334 words

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