IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that success is about hard work and determination. Others think that success has a connection with money and personal appearance. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #success #work #determination #connection #money #appearance
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There is a contentious debate that
success
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 is related to
whether
Correct word choice
apply
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arduous
work
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as well as
Linking Words
 determination or wealth and
outlooks
Fix the agreement mistake
outlook
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 of a person.
Although
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success
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could
Wrong verb form
can
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 be achieved easily with
money
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along with
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 personality, I believe that it does not come overnight;
people
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 have to
work
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 more with strong heads. On the one hand, the supporters of
usage
Correct article usage
the usage
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 of
money
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 and personal appearance to gain
success
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 consider that these are the effective attributes that a person should possess. To justify, sometimes
people
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fails
Correct subject-verb agreement
fail
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 to
get
Verb problem
achieve
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success
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 as they are either not
good looking
Add a hyphen
good-looking
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 or do not have enough
money
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 to spend on the processes involved in it.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
people
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 should have some wealth and personality to
get
Verb problem
be
show examples
Use synonyms
success
Replace the word
successful
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 in their lives.
For example
Linking Words
, had Kajol Devgun, an Indian actress, not spent
money
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 to improve her looks, she would not have become famous in the
paegent
Correct your spelling
pageant
 industry.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
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get
Verb problem
achieve
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success
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 with
the
Correct article usage
a
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 blend of hard
work
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 and determination. When individuals focus on their aims, they not only practice their skills but
also
Linking Words
 remain motivated to fulfil these goals and face challenges in their journey
of
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to
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success
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. Neeraj Chopra, an Indian athlete, achieves the pinnacle of
success
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 after 10 years of practice on the ground.
Thus
Linking Words
, it is substantiated that
success
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 does not
occurs
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occur
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 instantaneously, requiring various efforts with strong willpower. In conclusion, despite having a connection
of
Change preposition
between
show examples
success
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 with
money
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 and
outer
Correct article usage
the outer
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apperance
Correct your spelling
appearance
 of a person, I think, doing hard
work
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 and
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
full dedication towards goals leads to
success
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 with the real meaning.
Submitted by immysandhu94 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses both views and provides your own opinion, which is good. However, ensure that your arguments are equally developed for both sides. This can improve the balance of your essay.
task achievement
Try to integrate more clear and comprehensive ideas into your essay. For example, elaborate more on why you believe hard work and determination are more important than money and appearance.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure of your essay. The flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs can be made smoother. Consider using more transition words and phrases to enhance cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your discussion.
task achievement
You have included relevant examples to support your points. This strengthens your arguments and demonstrates your ability to apply ideas to real-life situations.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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