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Band 1

Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. While other people think it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both side and give your opinion

#people #government #rise #obesity #children #fault #parents #side
This
 problem has been
talking
Verb problem
around for
show examples
 many years because
this
 context
important
Add a missing verb
is important
show examples
 for our lives. when
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 look around, most people have
this
 problem and
this
 is
such
 a bad situation. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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 the
govermant
Correct your spelling
government
 is part of
this
 but not all
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 problem
governments
Change noun form
government's
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 fault in that situation is they let
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people watch all
fastfood
Correct word choice
the fast
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 marketing
advertisments
Correct your spelling
advertisements
this
 is the governments fault. second part of
this
 situation is part of the role.
Parents
Change noun form
Parents'
Parent's
show examples
 role is they
also
 let their
childern
Correct your spelling
children
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
eat so many
fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
fast-food
product
Change to a plural noun
products
show examples
this
 is what
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think about that. if you ask my opinion, my opinion is
fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
 is the greatest eating product of all time.
Submitted by hsmkashi on

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coherence cohesion
Organize your essay into clear paragraphs: introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing a stronger introduction and conclusion to frame your argument.
task achievement
Provide specific examples to support your points, such as how government advertising policies influence obesity.
task achievement
Clarify your main ideas and ensure they directly address the essay prompt regarding the roles of government and parents.
task achievement
The writer attempts to address both sides of the argument, mentioning the roles of government and parents.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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