IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that living in big cities is bad for people’s health. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

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One prominent viewpoint suggests that residing in urban areas has an adverse effect on individuals’
health
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. From my observation, I consider myself an advocate of
this
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 statement. It is explicit to note that being dwellers in megacities can be an optimal choice for those who want sufficient medical services. There is a justifiable reason to mention that metropolises have abundant hospitals with adequate resources to take care of an ever-increasing number of patients without being overloaded. A good example of
this
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 is Bach Mai Hospital - a well-known hospital located in Hanoi
has
Correct pronoun usage
that has
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 enough not only pieces of equipment but
also
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 rooms for patients and their relatives to stay. Thanks to
this
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 national leading hospital, more
people
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 will be cured promptly without suffering from the illness longer.
Hence
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, hospitals in big cities may facilitate the recovery of sick
people
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 and lessen the sufferings of their caretakers who do not have even space to sit
beside
Correct pronoun usage
beside them
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.
While
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 the redeeming feature of settling in metropolises is widely acknowledged, air pollution is one of the major disturbing factors doing harm to
people
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’s
health
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. Added to
this
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 is the fact that in megacities, a sharp growth in the number of fuel-powered vehicles can be seen in daily lives. Apparently, the mentioned phenomenon can trigger some respiratory problems ranging from asthma to
those
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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more severe
such
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 as lung cancer,
this
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 can even lead to
Change noun form
human
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human’s
Change noun form
human
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 loss of lives.
Therefore
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, notwithstanding supplying
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
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 devices, big cities have an urgently increasing amount of carbon emissions which can deadly harm
people
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's
health
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. In conclusion, even though
people
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 residing in urban areas can be offered tremendous benefits when they want to enjoy their medical services, serious
health
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 problems caused by the degradation in air quality have heightened
people
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's
concern
Fix the agreement mistake
concerns
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.
Furthermore
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,
although
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 there are abundant cutting-edge medical systems in metropolises, not everyone has enough financial ability to pay the bills, especially for those low or mid-income families.

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task achievement
Although your introduction is clear, try to make it more engaging. You can start with a general statement about urbanization and health before presenting your view.
task achievement
Your essay lacks a balanced discussion. Consider discussing some additional negative aspects of living in the city or mention any potential benefits, before arriving at a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs flow smoothly from one to the next. Include more transitional phrases to enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
You should provide a clearer connection between your points and the central argument of your essay, to ensure that each point directly supports your thesis.
task achievement
You have effectively addressed the prompt and provided relevant arguments both for and against the thesis.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your points and reinforces your argument, adding a consideration about financial ability.
coherence cohesion
The examples you used, such as the detailed description of Bach Mai Hospital, are relevant and add weight to your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • urban environment
  • respiratory issues
  • pollution
  • fast-paced lifestyle
  • noise pollution
  • health facilities
  • mental health
  • physical activities
  • nature contact
  • health problems
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