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Band 5

Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to only be meant for adults. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. SWhat are its causes, and what sollutions can be offered?

#children #diseases #adults #obesity #disease #swhat #sollutions
Nowaday
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Nowadays
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alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of
children
 all over the
world
 are suffering from several health
desorders
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disorders
 that once were relevant
for
Change preposition
to
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 adults only. A main of
such
illneses
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illnesses
illness
 is an overweight. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I'll try to explain my vision
on
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of
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 health problems of
modern
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the modern
show examples
world
 and
to
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apply
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find some resolves.
Firstly
, the greatest cons and pros of our modern
world
 are technologies. On the one hand, they could make our lives much
more easy
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easier
show examples
,
on the other
hand
Add the comma(s)
hand,
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 they
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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reduce
necessity
Add an article
the necessity
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to get
Change preposition
of getting
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 up from
comfortable
Correct article usage
a comfortable
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 sofa more than for basic needs. Sitting at home you could
to
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apply
show examples
play
a games
Correct the article-noun agreement
games
a game
show examples
,
to
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apply
show examples
study
trough
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through
show examples
 Zoom or Google
meetings
Capitalize word
Meetings
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, and
to
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apply
show examples
order your lunch. A lot of
children
 are not getting out on account of
preference
Correct pronoun usage
their preference
show examples
 to communicate with
there
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their
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 friends through
the
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apply
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social networks.
Morover
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Moreover
, a lot of mothers have to work
full time
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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 to pursue
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 better level of daily life. It may be a reason for
redusing
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reducing
refusing
 of quantity of
junk-food
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junk food
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eating
Wrong verb form
eaten
show examples
 by their
children
. Modern parents, despite
of
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apply
show examples
high-technology helpers at home, have
no
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not
show examples
 enough time to take
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsibillity
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responsibility
of
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for
show examples
 their
chikdren
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children
children's
 diet and
life-style
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lifestyle
show examples
. And the
last
 argument, in my opinion, is the
reducing
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reduction
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 of
quality
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the quality
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 of affordable
grosseries
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groceries
. They may contain a lot of fat,
sugar
Correct word choice
and sugar
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, not useful supplements. There are several countries in the
world
 that
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 adopted the law of singing
hurmful
Correct your spelling
harmful
 food in the red sign, and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy food in the green sign. These symbols
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
aim to improve
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 daily diet. In conclusion, I want to summarize the most
hurmful
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harmful
hurtful
children
Change noun form
children's
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 habits: lack of movement and non-healthy daily diet with
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 caloric rate. So we need to fight with both of them. Social
advertisment
Correct your spelling
advertisement
advertising
 on
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 popular internet sites about food, sport, and healthy
life-stule
Correct your spelling
lifestyles
 all over the
world
 may be very helpful.
Submitted by anastasia on

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task achievement
Make sure to elaborate on your points and provide specific examples to strengthen your arguments. Currently, your essay presents ideas but lacks detailed support and specific examples.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to your language usage, particularly grammar and vocabulary. Ensure that sentences are clear and make grammatical sense. For instance, the phrase 'they are reduce necessity' should be corrected to 'they reduce the necessity'.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical flow of your essay. Transitions between ideas could be smoother. Make sure each paragraph focuses on a single clear idea and develops it fully before moving on to the next.
task achievement
Try to address counter-arguments or different perspectives related to the topic to provide a more balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Avoid informal expressions like 'I'll try to explain my vision', and try to maintain a formal tone throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The topic is relevant and you have addressed it with logical points.
task achievement
You have attempted to discuss different causes and solutions related to childhood obesity, which is relevant to the prompt.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion nicely summarizes the points made in the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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