IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Throughout history, people have dreamed to live in a perfect society while they haven't agreed how what the ideal society would be like. What do you think is the most important element of a perfect society in the modern world? What can people do to achieve an ideal society?

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From the ancient period ,
people
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 dreamed of living in a perfect
society
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 without knowing the fact what how is our ideal
society
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 would look like . I think the most important element of a perfect
society
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 would be fair treatment regardless of age , gender and caste .
People
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 should eliminate discrimination by giving each person equal opportunity and respect to each other. Primary , the most important element of the
society
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 is the providing equal opportunities to all
members
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 of the
society
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 regardless of their age, gender and caste .
In other words
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 , many organizations accept a large
amount
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number
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 of resumes during hiring but hire only a few
people
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 on the basis of their
color
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colour
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 or gender .
In addition
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 , many parts of the world do not accept the relation of men and women who belong to different religions.
For example
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 , In India, men and women who belong to
a
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apply
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different religions are not allowed to marry each other .
Therefore
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 , in order to maintain an ideal
society
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 ,it is very necessary to treat all
members
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 of the
society
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 at the same level.
People
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 can do multiple things in order to achieve their ideal
society
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. Primary, treat each other with respect
as well as
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 their religions . If
people
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 understand the culture of their
society
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members
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 and accept them ,
then
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 it would be easy for all
society
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members
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 to live happy and safe environment .
On the contrary
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 , If
people
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 do not accept each other
then
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 it would
be led
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lead
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 to violence in
society
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 and crime rates would
be increased
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increase
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.
For example
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 , In India, most of the crime rates are high
due to
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 differences in the
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society
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society's
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 culture. In conclusion , in order to create a perfect
society
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 ,
people
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 need to eliminate the racism which still exists in the country and try to respect each other in all conditions . These all factors led to the perfect healthy
society
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 that everyone dreamed of living in.

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task achievement
Pay more attention to grammatical accuracy and ensure that sentences are complete and well-constructed. For example, the phrase 'without knowing the fact what how is our ideal society would look like' is confusing and needs to be clarified.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your points. For instance, you mention that crime rates are high in India due to cultural differences; however, this claim can be substantiated with statistics or specific studies.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details. This helps in maintaining a logical flow. For instance, the second paragraph could start with 'One of the essential elements of an ideal society is providing equal opportunities...'.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-structured and provide a clear overview of your argument.
task achievement
The response addresses the main points of the task and offers a solution for achieving an ideal society.
task achievement
Your essay tackles a crucial issue of discrimination and highlights the importance of treating everyone equally, which is a key component in achieving a perfect society.
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