IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that children who spend a lot of time reading children’s story book are wasting their time which could be better used doing other more useful activities. To what extend do you agree?

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People argue that kids who read a child book theme are not better than kids who prefer to do other insightful activities. I totally agree with
this
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 statement.
This
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 is because doing the activity will hone the children's mindset
as well as
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 improve their
communication
Use synonyms
 skills. Reading a children's story is not a bad notion,
however
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, in terms of effectiveness and efficiency, it is better to educate them through the "learning by doing" method.
This
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 method will give a sustainable outcome for a kid
instead
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 of learning by reading.
For instance
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, rather than just reading the steps of playing a video game, it is more useful to encounter them practically with the video game.
As a result
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, the method will force their brain to learn how to use the tool and it will planted in their mind forever.
Additionally
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, learning by doing the activity is
also
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 useful to ameliorate their capability in
communication
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.
For example
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, making small talk to a new friend in school seems scary at
first,
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nevertheless
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, if they push themselves and keep doing it, gradually, they will learn the best way to do it and it will sustained in their mindset. The reason why it is reasonable is that
communication
Use synonyms
 skill is not a skill that can be learned only by reading a child's story,
therefore
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, children should face the reality of many kinds of people so they would enrich their references. In summary, spending a lot of time reading a child's story for kids is just a waste of time, it is more functional to use the time by doing other insightful activities. Simultaneously, it can
also
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 help them to be creative by using their brain
as well as
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 developing their self-capabilities
such
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 as
communication
Use synonyms
 skills.

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coherence cohesion
The introduction could be clearer. Try to clearly state the main argument and outline the points that will be discussed.
task achievement
Be careful with the use of terms and expressions. Phrases like 'kids who read a child book theme' are confusing. Consider more accurate and natural expressions like 'children who spend a lot of time reading storybooks.'
clear comprehensive ideas
Ensure each main point is supported with relevant examples and explanations. Sometimes sentences could be extended to be more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized and each paragraph has a clear main idea.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of the essay.
relevant specific examples
The essay includes relevant examples that assist in explaining the points.
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