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Band 5.5

In this technological era, personal information is held on computers by many companies and organizations. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#era #information #computers #companies #organizations
Nowadays, in the world of technology, big corporations have stored our private
information
 on their servers. In my opinion,
while
 saving our
data
 on big
data
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 may have its disadvantages,
this
 appears to be outweighed by its advantages in
this
 matter. Regarding the disadvantages, as All of our sensitive
information
 has been saved on servers in
data
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
, It is possible that
cyber criminals
Correct your spelling
cybercriminals
show examples
 hack into these servers to steal valuable
data
 like bank account
information
 and it leads to misuse of these
data
.
Also
, these organizations probably utilize our
data
 like private photos or videos for training artificial intelligence (AI)
systems
 which we may not want and because we do not have control
on
Change preposition
over
show examples
this
,
companies
 might
use
 it in
wrong
Correct article usage
the wrong
show examples
 ways. Turning to the advantages, corporations
also
 can
use
this
information
 for training machines to build more sophisticated AI computers. Progressive AI
systems
 can ease our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 in several ways.
Furthermore
,
companies
 like
google
Capitalize word
Google
show examples
 or
microsoft
Change the capitalization
Microsoft
show examples
 which store almost all of our
information
 might
use
 our
data
 to provide big
data
 and because of
this
 they are able to create products with better UX (user experience) as well,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 results in improving our daily
use
 of technology. I believe if these
companies
 have a commitment to their customers by adhering to laws protecting
users
Change noun form
users'
user's
show examples
data
,
this
 phenomenon could yield more development in technological
systems
 in general and it would be great for our society. In conclusion,
although
 there might be some demerits associated with holding our
information
 on computers of big organizations,it causes much more progress like having better AI
systems
 and it helps
companies
 to have more
data
 to create
easier to
Add a hyphen
easier-to-use
show examples
use
 products. I think if
companies
 could provide
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
trust for their users, it would outweigh the disadvantages.
Submitted by hosein9es1 on

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grammar
There are some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, such as 'as All of our sensitive information has been saved on servers' which should be 'as all of our sensitive information is stored on servers'.
task response
The essay would benefit from more specific examples. For instance, mentioning particular AI advancements or instances of breaches due to the lack of data privacy. This could strengthen the argument further.
coherence cohesion
The transitions between paragraphs are good, but the essay could improve by using a wider range of cohesive devices (e.g., linking words like 'moreover,' 'as a result,' etc.).
task response
The essay provides a balanced argument, addressing both advantages and disadvantages which presents a complete response to the question.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame the essay.
coherence cohesion
The ideas are presented clearly, and the essay is well-structured with logical progression of the main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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