In this technological era, personal information is held on computers by many companies and organizations. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
Nowadays, in the world of technology, big corporations have stored our private
information
on their servers. In my opinion, while
saving our data
on big data
centers
may have its disadvantages, Change the spelling
centres
this
appears to be outweighed by its advantages in this
matter.
Regarding the disadvantages, as All of our sensitive information
has been saved on servers in data
centers
, It is possible that Change the spelling
centres
cyber criminals
hack into these servers to steal valuable Correct your spelling
cybercriminals
data
like bank account information
and it leads to misuse of these data
. Also
, these organizations probably utilize our data
like private photos or videos for training artificial intelligence (AI) systems
which we may not want and because we do not have control on
Change preposition
over
this
, companies
might use
it in wrong
ways.
Turning to the advantages, corporations Correct article usage
the wrong
also
can use
this
information
for training machines to build more sophisticated AI computers. Progressive AI systems
can ease our life
in several ways. Fix the agreement mistake
lives
Furthermore
, companies
like google
or Capitalize word
Google
microsoft
which store almost all of our Change the capitalization
Microsoft
information
might use
our data
to provide big data
and because of this
they are able to create products with better UX (user experience) as well, it
results in improving our daily Correct pronoun usage
which
use
of technology. I believe if these companies
have a commitment to their customers by adhering to laws protecting users
Change noun form
users'
user's
data
, this
phenomenon could yield more development in technological systems
in general and it would be great for our society.
In conclusion, although
there might be some demerits associated with holding our information
on computers of big organizations,it causes much more progress like having better AI systems
and it helps companies
to have more data
to create easier to
Add a hyphen
easier-to-use
use
products. I think if companies
could provide a
trust for their users, it would outweigh the disadvantages.Correct article usage
apply
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grammar
There are some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, such as 'as All of our sensitive information has been saved on servers' which should be 'as all of our sensitive information is stored on servers'.
task response
The essay would benefit from more specific examples. For instance, mentioning particular AI advancements or instances of breaches due to the lack of data privacy. This could strengthen the argument further.
coherence cohesion
The transitions between paragraphs are good, but the essay could improve by using a wider range of cohesive devices (e.g., linking words like 'moreover,' 'as a result,' etc.).
task response
The essay provides a balanced argument, addressing both advantages and disadvantages which presents a complete response to the question.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame the essay.
coherence cohesion
The ideas are presented clearly, and the essay is well-structured with logical progression of the main points.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.