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Band 6

Nowadays, many people live an unhealthy lifestyle. What are the reasons for this and how do we address this problem?

#people #lifestyle #address
In
this
 modern era, unhealthy lifestyles,
such
 as staying up late
as well as
 lack of exercise, have been accepted by
people
 worldwide, especially among adolescents.
This
 essay will analyze the factors of these phenomena and corresponding solutions. One possible reason leading to
this
 is the accelerating pace of
life
. Because of the fierce competition among corporations and searching for maximum profit, employees have to tackle dozens of workloads to meet the requirements of the boss, which may not be able to
complete
Wrong verb form
be completed
show examples
 during working hours. Casual time including that for meals and rest, may be replaced by working.
As a result
, fast food and staying up late happens frequently in their lives. Another reason is the proliferation of the Internet, short videos and online games spread extensively. It is quite common for
people
 to be addicted to these entertainments and refuse to spend time doing regular and boring exercises.
On the other hand
,
this
 trend of living an unhealthy
life
 could be transformed. Governments could conduct the construction of fitness equipment and parks to encourage
people
 to enjoy outdoor activities. In most cases,
people
 tend to do sports
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but fail to achieve them because of the lack of appropriate space.
Then
, providing enough courts could relieve
this
 problem to some extent. A more direct method is to enhance the significance of a healthy
life
together with
 the drawbacks of not doing so. Many
people
 may not recognize the consequences
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and are short of the corresponding knowledge.
Neighborhoods
Change the spelling
Neighbourhoods
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 could educate the residents about the potential side effects of trifles like the fact that commercially produced complementary food containing excessive sodium would increase the possibility of entangling
by
Change preposition
apply
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diabetes. After realizing the threat of an unhealthy
life
, the populace could avoid it automatically.
Overall
, an unhealthy lifestyle derives from social
circumstance
Fix the agreement mistake
circumstances
show examples
 and can be prohibited through the
endeavour
Fix the agreement mistake
endeavours
show examples
 of governments and organizations.
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task achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the task, addressing both reasons for unhealthy lifestyles and potential solutions. However, adding more specific examples could further strengthen the argument.
task achievement
The ideas presented are clear and comprehensive. However, refining certain areas can help in making the points even clearer and more precise.
task achievement
Ensure that each point is sufficiently elaborated. For instance, the impact of the internet on exercise habits could be expanded with more concrete examples.
coherence cohesion
The essay follows a logical structure. However, the transition between some ideas can be made smoother. Use more cohesive devices to link sections seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a strong introduction and conclusion, which helps in presenting the essay clearly. Ensure the conclusion summarizes the main ideas effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a well-structured introduction and conclusion, making the essay easy to follow.
task achievement
Main points are supported with reasonable explanations, addressing both causes and solutions effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • inactivity
  • poor dietary choices
  • nutritional deficiencies
  • mental health
  • cultural norms
  • fast food
  • sugary drinks
  • physical inactivity
  • stress relief
  • health education
  • preventive measures
  • balanced diet
  • exercise regimen
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