the top priority of businesses is making money, and they do not need to have social responsibilities. To what extend do you agree or disagree?
It is true that some
people
believe that generating profits is the most important element for businesses
and I accept that this
perception is some what
justifiable. Correct your spelling
somewhat
However
, I would argue that public responsibilities are equally crucial for businesses
.
On the one hand, it is understandable that businesses
give priority to earning money
because this
would create more contribution
to their country’s development. Fix the agreement mistake
contributions
Firstly
, when company
could make more Add an article
the company
a company
money
they could submit enough taxes to the government. From that point, the government would take advantage of that money
to invest and enhance facilities for their place, which improve people
quality of life to be better. Change noun form
people's
Secondly
, if corporations sustain development, they can create more job opportunities for people
. It means that they can expand their company around thereby, it will reduce
Wrong verb form
reducing
Correct article usage
the unemployed
unemployed
rate more.
Replace the word
unemployment
On the other hand
, there are
Change the verb form
is
host
of reasons as to why I am Add an article
a host
conviced
that social responsibilities are Correct your spelling
convinced
aslo
essential for companies. One reason is that Correct your spelling
also
business’s
activities make the environment polluted. Change noun form
business
This
is because factory waste and emission
of companies create Fix the agreement mistake
emissions
negative
impact on the environment , which leads to bad influences Add an article
a negative
for
Change preposition
on
health
and life of Correct article usage
the health
people
. Another reason is that corparations
have Correct your spelling
corporations
ability
to help poor Change the article
the ability
people
. To be more specific, they have money
to make contribution
to society, especially Add an article
a contribution
people
in difficult circumstances and it results in reducing employed rate in public.
In conclusion, while
it is irrefutable that making
generating Verb problem
apply
money
is companies’ top priority, I would contend that public responsibilities are also
important for businesses
.Submitted by lethiphuonguyen0098 on
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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic and outlines arguments for both sides, which is good. However, there are areas where you could further develop your ideas and provide more specific examples to support your points. For instance, when discussing how businesses can help the poor, you could mention specific ways they can do so (e.g., through scholarships, community projects).
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a logical structure, with each paragraph focusing on a specific point, it could benefit from smoother transitions between paragraphs and ideas. Words and phrases like 'furthermore', 'moreover', or 'on the flip side' can help guide the reader through your arguments more seamlessly.
general advice
Work on varying your sentence structure to improve readability. Using a mixture of simple, compound, and complex sentences can make your writing more engaging. Additionally, be mindful of the minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing present in your essay. For example, 'From that point, the government would take advantage of that money to invest and enhance facilities for their place' can be revised for clarity and conciseness.
coherence cohesion
Consider concluding each supporting paragraph with a summarizing sentence that reinforces the main point of that paragraph. This will help in making your argument more cohesive and easier to follow.
task achievement
Your essay clearly introduces the topic and provides a balanced view, addressing both the importance of profit and social responsibility for businesses.
coherence cohesion
You have included both an introduction and a conclusion, which bookends your essay nicely and provides a clear framework for your arguments.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.