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Band 5

Many people believe that individuals over 65 should not allowed to continue working others think that people should be allowed to work for as long as they choose. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #individuals #work
A host of
people
 indicate that
people
 over 65 should be retired
while
 other
people
 think that the elderly have
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 to
work
 until they want.
This
 essay attempts to shed light on both perspectives before concluding that I am
m
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
favor in former notion. On the one hand, older
people
 working their
job
 when they
have been
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 65
over
Change preposition
apply
show examples
years old could be advantageous to a certain extent.
Firstly
, If older
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
 could continue their career, they could have
ability
Change the article
the ability
show examples
 to afford living
expences
Correct your spelling
expenses
show examples
.
For example
, there are some the number of elderly who are the
bread winner
Correct your spelling
breadwinner
show examples
 in their family, so they need to make money from their current
job
, which could help them maintain their stable life.
Secondly
, maintaining
profession
Correct article usage
the profession
show examples
 of older workers is a great way to keep their purpose in their lives.
For instance
, some old employees are eager to
work
bacause
Correct your spelling
because
 it helps them
work
 their favourite career, which makes them delighted and enjoyable.
On the other hand
, there are a number of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that
people
 over 65 years old should spend the rest of their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 to delight in valuable moments. The first reason is that when they quit their
job
, they could have more time for their family and their friend.
For instance
, they could take part in family activities,
such
 as watching
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
show examples
, cooking
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 and shopping together, which makes them relaxed and amused. Another reason is that if the elderly give up their position, they would create
job
 opportunities for younger candidates.
This
 is because older
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
 have more
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
 and professional skills than the
youngers
Correct your spelling
younger
show examples
, it
Correct pronoun usage
ones, it
show examples
 leads to
create
Wrong verb form
creates
show examples
 some burdens for young
people
 and
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them pressured, thereby young candidates would have
freedom
Add an article
the freedom
show examples
 to be more creative and confident in the company without the elderly
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
. In conclusion,
while
 it is irrefutable that old employees continue to
work
 when they are over 65, I would contend that there are some benefits for older employees when they decide to retire. ООР
Submitted by lethiphuonguyen0098 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear division between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph should have one main idea.
coherence cohesion
Avoid using informal contractions like 'staffs' and 'bacause'. Consider revising to ‘staff members’ and ‘because’ respectively.
task achievement
Make sure to elaborate on your main points with more specific and varied examples to support your arguments effectively.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction provides a clear overview of the essay's content.
complete response
Your essay successfully discusses both viewpoints, showing an ability to consider multiple perspectives.
relevant specific examples
You offer specific examples, like participating in family activities, which add depth to your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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