IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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The constantly increasing number of hours the young generation spends in front of a smartphone has become a hotly debated topic nowadays. There are both positive and negative aspects associated with
this
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 development. First of all,
smartphones
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 are the most convenient way of sharing information. By using the apps,
children
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 can not only talk to each other
,
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apply
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 but participate in charts and share pictures or shorts.
For instance
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, it takes less than an hour for my son to create a new broadcast
in
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on
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 TikTok and to get feedback from his friends.
Moreover
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, it can be a great source of information, as with access to Google answers to almost every question can be found easily.
However
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, there are some negative aspects, related to
smartphones
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. For many
children
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, mobile devices can replace real friends
from
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in
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 the real world, as no time for peers will remain. Lack of communication with real people can prevent a child from proper development and can lead to serious difficulties in interpersonal communication.
For example
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, in
Mexico
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Mexico,
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children
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 grow up spending many hours
in
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on
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 their
smartphones
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instead
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creating
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of creating
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relationship
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relationships
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 in
real
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the real
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 world, which is
significant
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a significant
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 drawback. Another consequence of spending too much time on
smartphones
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 can be
deterioration
Correct article usage
a deterioration
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 in the ability to learn. It is
well known
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well-known
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 fact that after overuse of
screentime
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screen time
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 pupils become more aggressive and experience difficulties in concentration, which affects their ability to study.
In addition
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, the extended use of
smartphones
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 may cause addiction, which will negatively impact mental health.
To conclude
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, many
children
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 recognize
smartphones
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 as useful sources of information and communication tools,
however
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, uncontrolled use affects their mental health and encourages young people to live in virtual reality,
that is
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 why I see it as a negative development, that causes more damage than benefit youth.
Submitted by vikiregev on

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coherence cohesion
Work on making transitions between ideas smoother to enhance coherence. For example, using more linking words like 'therefore,' 'furthermore,' or 'consequently' would help.
coherence cohesion
Make sure the conclusion succinctly summarizes the primary points while leaving a lasting impression or calls for action.
task achievement
Introduce more specific examples to bolster your arguments. While the examples given are relevant, providing a bit more detail can make your points more compelling.
task achievement
Your task response is strong, but ensure you're consistently developing each paragraph fully. Some points could use more elaboration.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure, with a logical flow of ideas from introduction to conclusion.
task achievement
The topic is addressed thoroughly, covering both positive and negative aspects, which shows a comprehensive understanding.
task achievement
Relevant examples are provided to back up the points, contributing to the strength of the arguments made.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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