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Band 4

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time #trend
There is a view that kids and adults spend their leisure pace with the way via brand new machinery.
While
 children can improve their skills
of
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in
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 using their phones, I believe the drawbacks are far greater than the benefits. One of the main advantages is that constantly using apparatus can improve your ability to use the latest technologies and understand how to work with them in daily life. Nowadays, everyone should know the basics of using the latest furnishings because it applies everywhere.
For instance
, as a child, I had a great interest in technology and spent a significant amount of age learning about it. Now, I am well-versed in all aspects of
this
 field. Despite these benefits, in my opinion, the concerns are far more significant. One significant disadvantage is that children may spend excessive amounts of
hour
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hours
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 playing video games or watching videos and they neglect essential activities.
This
 can include spending
less hour
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fewer hours
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 with parents, reducing interaction with friends, and reducing academic study space.
Moreover
, the frequent use of electronic devices can lead to vision impairment.
Therefore
, it is recommended to take short breaks to prevent harm to your health and not to wear glasses on a daily basis. In conclusion, there are some benefits like gaining knowledge about using electronic material
as well as
 downsides. As for me, everyone can spend their free age in their own way
,
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apply
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 but still need to devote
future
Correct article usage
the future
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 to real events as well.
Submitted by isrofildavrushov on

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task achievement
While the essay presents a clear stance, it would be beneficial to provide more balance between the advantages and disadvantages. Try to develop both aspects more equally to provide a more comprehensive discussion.
task achievement
Work on expanding and clarifying your main points. Make sure each paragraph fully develops its main point with adequate examples or evidence.
coherence cohesion
There are several small inaccuracies and awkward phrasings (e.g., 'leisure pace,' 'apparatus,' 'significant amount of age,' 'hour,' 'space'). Aim to use more precise and natural language.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all points flow logically and are connected with appropriate linking words. Some parts of your essay seem slightly disjointed. Improve the use of transitions between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
You provide clear arguments and a stance on the topic, which shows strong critical thinking skills.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and restates your position.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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