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Band 3.5

Some people find it difficult to manage their money. How could the government help prevent debt problems and support such people?

#people #money #government #debt #support
It is not a surprise that many people encounter
money
 issues, and these may not
neccesarily
Correct your spelling
necessarily
 appear
due to
 poverty, but because of poor
money
 management in general.
Therefore
, it is important for higher authorities to teach
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 citizens
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a better way for
money
 spending and
creating
Wrong verb form
create
show examples
 policies that reduce debt difficulties.
To begin
 with, a first step to take in reducing excessive borrowing is to educate individuals on the actual issues they might face in
this
 process.
For instance
, implementing special lectures in schools on the matter of
money
 spending will most likely decrease future income issues.
This
 solution will be a good starting point as it will teach citizens from a young age what is the best path to take when paying for
somehing
Correct your spelling
something
.
Furthermore
, the government should provide access to financial services.
For example
, ensuring affordable banking facilities
Add the comma(s)
, as well as policies that promote job growth and stability,
show examples
as well as
 policies that promote job growth and stability will not only reduce the need for
aquiring
Correct your spelling
acquiring
 loans but
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will encourage many to not rely on
high cost
Add a hyphen
high-cost
show examples
 alternatives.
Such
 improvement will benefit the country’s financial state too, because higher savings rates can provide the capital for investment. In a nutshell, instructing people
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 matters and ensuring them with the necessary establishments contribute to a healthier economy by promoting sustainable growth.
Submitted by acaitaz on

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task achievement
Work on providing more concrete examples to support your statements. This will make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow of ideas by ensuring each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. The conclusion should summarize all the main points clearly.
general advice
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, such as 'neccesarily' which should be 'necessarily' and 'aquiring' which should be 'acquiring'. While they do not significantly impact the overall meaning, they can detract from the professionalism of the essay.
task achievement
The introduction provides a good overview of the issue and the thesis is clear.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with distinct paragraphs for each main point.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points discussed in the essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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