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Band 7

How can the government make sure that people save enough money to live on when they are old?

#government #people #money
Many adults are facing a common problem when their time comes to retire. The lack of funds. Though it might not seem like a big thing, in most cases it is enough to take away the option of living comfortably, forcing the older community to stretch their monthly income.
Firstly
, we should acknowledge the fact that the public administration has the power to put together a team of people in charge of working with data and calculating the amount of money it would take a person to live a pleasant life after retirement for each career or yearly profit.
Moreover
, by doing so, the authorities can ensure the living rate and the quality of it. The working class would find
this
 type of information just as important and valuable if not even more because of the amount of time they have left to gather the potential sum.
Secondly
, it would be worth a great deal if the law would some strings and create a new banking program for public use. Through
this
 feature the population would be able to create one-way bank accounts, the benefit of them being that you can deposit any load of money
in
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apply
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without the option to withdraw it until you come of age to pull back.
Therefore
, one can be sure to have a little cheese on the side for the late years ahead. Retaining from spending like madmen might be hard for some individuals but there is no space for saying that the authorities can do nothing in order to help the community. Working with the people for the people can help ease the financial hardships haunted by the grey hair years.
Submitted by acaitaz on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs. For instance, linking the first and second paragraphs more seamlessly can help the essay flow better.
task achievement
Strengthen your main points with more concrete and relevant examples. Provide specific instances or case studies to back up your arguments.
task achievement
Be careful with word choice and avoid awkward expressions like 'cheese on the side'. Instead, use more formal language such as 'savings' or 'financial reserves'.
task achievement
You have clearly identified the problem of insufficient funds during retirement and proposed potential solutions, showing a good understanding of the task.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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