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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

“Prevention is better than the cure.” Researching and treating disease is too costly and so it would be better to invest in preventative measures. To what extend do you agree?

#“prevention #cure #disease #measures
Prohibiting is indeed better than treatment for lots of reasons. I definitely agree with the idea that the government should spend more on prevention than other items. In
this
 essay, I will mention some reasons for
this
. In my opinion, finding out the causes of the illness and treatment for them is a very expensive way for many reasons.
Firstly
, a huge amount of facilities are needed for experimenting with disease,
also
 it needs other things,
such
 as doctors, researchers, and experts. all of them should be paid and will be lots of money.
secondly
, some diseases are tough to tolerate, and doing research on these types of patients will be approximately impossible.
Finally
,
due to
 these problems, it will take a long time and expenses for the government.
On the other hand
, prevention is an efficient approach to address
this
 problem. It will be easier to increase social awareness about health and taking care of themselves. The government should invest more in the educational system,
therefore
, countries will be less faced with diseases in the future.
Additionally
, having a healthy lifestyle can help to reduce the amount of illness and it is one of the effective ways
for preventing
Change preposition
to prevent
show examples
.
Correct pronoun usage
it.
show examples
 In conclusion, avoiding disease is a more profitable approach and it will
less
Add a missing verb
be less
show examples
 costly for governments too. It would be better to avoid them
instead
 of cure them.
Submitted by ostorr7213 on

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task achievement
Make sure to use specific examples to support your points. This can help to clarify your arguments and add depth to your essay.
coherence cohesion
While the logical structure is clear, try to make smoother transitions between your paragraphs to improve the overall flow of your essay.
task achievement
Ensure that your essay fully addresses all aspects of the prompt. This can include discussing potential counter-arguments or different perspectives.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states your stance on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and restates your stance, providing a sense of closure.
task achievement
Your main points are generally clear and relevant to the prompt.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • financial burden
  • healthcare system
  • incidence of diseases
  • expensive treatments
  • vaccinations
  • public health campaigns
  • lifestyle interventions
  • promoting exercise
  • healthy eating
  • chronic diseases
  • individual quality of life
  • productivity
  • debilitating conditions
  • public health
  • research and treatment innovations
  • balanced healthcare strategy
  • cost-effective approach
  • long term
  • workforce productivity
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