Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of differen cultures and ages toghether. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
As far as some
people
believe that music
can be a great solution to collecting people
from various cultures and ages together I strongly agree with this
opinion because of the clear reasons which are some festivals or goals
that are one among a variety of people
.
Some festivals are attending
around the world which are 24 hours in some specific event in some special cities. Wrong verb form
attended
According to
the latest article in the Immigration newspaper: in New Fandland one of the cities in Canada that has a festival of music
in summer for a 24-hour day people
from a lot
of cities come together to being
in Verb problem
participate
this
event and the population of this
town get triple in this
special day. So it is right that ages and cultures are different and come together for music
events and that is
a really nice happen to be together happily.
Another deal is the goals
that some people
have for education in universities, nowadays people
immigrate from a lot
of countries to learn in an international university which includes teachers and students who come from many different countries and cultures and also
ages. Music
majors are upgraded just in some European countries for
this
reason people
who are interested in this
subject have to immigrate to receive
their Verb problem
achieve
goals
in this
way they come together for music
.
In conclusion, there are a lot
of targets to being together for a music
event or even educational goals
of music
which have a lot
of benefits likely, knowing more culture and enjoy being together.Submitted by TUTOO on
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task achievement
Your essay does well to address the topic and provide a clear stance. However, it would benefit from more specific examples and detailed support for your points. Drawing from personal experiences or additional concrete examples could enhance your argument.
coherence cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow of your essay. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs could be smoother. Consider using more transitional phrases to help guide the reader through your argument.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction presents a clear opinion but could be more engaging. Consider refining the opening sentence to better capture the reader's attention. Your conclusion is concise, but it should summarize your key points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are lengthy and may be clearer if broken down into shorter ones. This will help maintain the reader's attention and improve the overall readability of your essay. Pay attention to punctuation and sentence structure to enhance clarity.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic, and you make an effort to support your opinion with reasons.
introduction conclusion present
You have included an introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your essay and provide a sense of completeness.
relevant specific examples
You use relevant examples, such as the music festival in Newfoundland, to support your points, which adds credibility to your argument.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.