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Band 5.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of differen cultures and ages toghether. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #differen #cultures #ages #toghether
As far as some
people
 believe that
music
 can be a great solution to collecting
people
 from various cultures and ages together I strongly agree with
this
 opinion because of the clear reasons which are some festivals or
goals
 that are one among a variety of
people
. Some festivals are
attending
Wrong verb form
attended
show examples
 around the world which are 24 hours in some specific event in some special cities.
According to
 the latest article in the Immigration newspaper: in New Fandland one of the cities in Canada that has a festival of
music
 in summer for a 24-hour day
people
 from a
lot
 of cities come together to
being
Verb problem
participate
show examples
 in
this
 event and the population of
this
 town get triple in
this
 special day. So it is right that ages and cultures are different and come together for
music
 events and
that is
 a really nice happen to be together happily. Another deal is the
goals
 that some
people
 have for education in universities, nowadays
people
 immigrate from a
lot
 of countries to learn in an international university which includes teachers and students who come from many different countries and cultures and
also
 ages.
Music
 majors are upgraded just in some European countries
for
this
 reason
people
 who are interested in
this
 subject have to immigrate to
receive
Verb problem
achieve
show examples
 their
goals
 in
this
 way they come together for
music
. In conclusion, there are a
lot
 of targets to being together for a
music
 event or even educational
goals
 of
music
 which have a
lot
 of benefits likely, knowing more culture and enjoy being together.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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task achievement
Your essay does well to address the topic and provide a clear stance. However, it would benefit from more specific examples and detailed support for your points. Drawing from personal experiences or additional concrete examples could enhance your argument.
coherence cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow of your essay. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs could be smoother. Consider using more transitional phrases to help guide the reader through your argument.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction presents a clear opinion but could be more engaging. Consider refining the opening sentence to better capture the reader's attention. Your conclusion is concise, but it should summarize your key points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are lengthy and may be clearer if broken down into shorter ones. This will help maintain the reader's attention and improve the overall readability of your essay. Pay attention to punctuation and sentence structure to enhance clarity.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic, and you make an effort to support your opinion with reasons.
introduction conclusion present
You have included an introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your essay and provide a sense of completeness.
relevant specific examples
You use relevant examples, such as the music festival in Newfoundland, to support your points, which adds credibility to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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