IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of differen cultures and ages toghether. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #differen #cultures #ages #toghether
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As far as some
people
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 believe that
music
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 can be a great solution to collecting
people
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 from various cultures and ages together I strongly agree with
this
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 opinion because of the clear reasons which are some festivals or
goals
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 that are one among a variety of
people
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. Some festivals are
attending
Wrong verb form
attended
show examples
 around the world which are 24 hours in some specific event in some special cities.
According to
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 the latest article in the Immigration newspaper: in New Fandland one of the cities in Canada that has a festival of
music
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 in summer for a 24-hour day
people
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 from a
lot
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 of cities come together to
being
Verb problem
participate
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 in
this
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 event and the population of
this
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 town get triple in
this
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 special day. So it is right that ages and cultures are different and come together for
music
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 events and
that is
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 a really nice happen to be together happily. Another deal is the
goals
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 that some
people
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 have for education in universities, nowadays
people
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 immigrate from a
lot
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 of countries to learn in an international university which includes teachers and students who come from many different countries and cultures and
also
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 ages.
Music
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 majors are upgraded just in some European countries
for
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this
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 reason
people
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 who are interested in
this
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 subject have to immigrate to
receive
Verb problem
achieve
show examples
 their
goals
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 in
this
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 way they come together for
music
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. In conclusion, there are a
lot
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 of targets to being together for a
music
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 event or even educational
goals
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 of
music
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 which have a
lot
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 of benefits likely, knowing more culture and enjoy being together.
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task achievement
Your essay does well to address the topic and provide a clear stance. However, it would benefit from more specific examples and detailed support for your points. Drawing from personal experiences or additional concrete examples could enhance your argument.
coherence cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow of your essay. The transitions between ideas and paragraphs could be smoother. Consider using more transitional phrases to help guide the reader through your argument.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction presents a clear opinion but could be more engaging. Consider refining the opening sentence to better capture the reader's attention. Your conclusion is concise, but it should summarize your key points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are lengthy and may be clearer if broken down into shorter ones. This will help maintain the reader's attention and improve the overall readability of your essay. Pay attention to punctuation and sentence structure to enhance clarity.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic, and you make an effort to support your opinion with reasons.
introduction conclusion present
You have included an introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your essay and provide a sense of completeness.
relevant specific examples
You use relevant examples, such as the music festival in Newfoundland, to support your points, which adds credibility to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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