In many countries, people are not living longer the ever before. some people say an aging population, create problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if he has more elderly people. To what extent to the advantages of having an Asian population outweigh the disadvantages.

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When talking about the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
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population,
people
's opinions seem to be divergent on
such
a controversial issue. Some
people
believe that the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
population causes problems for
society
.
However
, other
people
take the opposite position. I partially agree with the statements as follows. The reason most related to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
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people
is
expense
Add an article
the expense
an expense
show examples
. If
people
live a longer life, they may have a longer
30 years
Correct your spelling
30-year
retirement period and may be financially supported by the government or house.
Secondly
, if a large proportion of the population has age-related illnesses, it may significantly impact the medical system and take up the resources that could be better allocated to others.
Moreover
, assuming that elderly
people
may be financially independent,
then
young
people
need to compete in a more severe job market, just like the current China.
However
, old
people
could benefit the whole
society
in terms of skills, wisdom, and experiences. Modern
people
are considered more active and more productive than their counterparts 50 years ago.
This
means that the old
people
are no longer blocked but the wealth of the
society
. After retirement,
people
also
could contribute value to
society
by promoting charity activities, buying products as consumers, and helping their families. The grandparents could take children carefully and help to release the stress of the parents. In conclusion, it appears to me that expense is the main negative impact, including financial support, medical system contraction, and potential drop in market stress.
However
,
people
also
could contribute to the development of
society
such
as helping
raising
Wrong verb form
raise
show examples
children.
Submitted by yu18526106986 on

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task achievement
Consider expanding on relevant specific examples to clearly illustrate your points. This will strengthen your argument and provide better support for your main ideas.
coherence cohesion
Work on clearly presenting each idea in separate paragraphs to improve the logical structure of your essay. This will help readers follow your argument more easily.
task achievement
The essay shows a clear understanding of the topic and addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, effectively framing the discussion.
coherence cohesion
Main points are logically supported, providing a good flow to the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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