IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some parents allow their children to play on electronic devices such as computers and smartphones as they think it is important for the learning of technological skills. Other parents prohibit their children from using these electronic devices. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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In the modern era , laptops and mobile phones are indispensable in everyone's life.Myriad
of
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apply
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parents
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 have permitted their
Use synonyms
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
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 to
use
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 electronic devices,as they believe that it is essential to get digital proficiency.
And
Correct word choice
As
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 an alternative guardians restricted their
children
Use synonyms
 from utilising computers and
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
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.In my opinion,I partially agree with
this
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 statement.
This
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 essay will discuss both views in detail,
along with
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 a relevant conclusion. On the one hand,cell phones and personal computers are becoming part of life.Small
children
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 are
also
Linking Words
 playing with wireless
phone
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phones
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,and they
knows
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know
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 each and every
functions
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function
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 in the handset.
For example
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,some
parents
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 are busy with their
job
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jobs
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,they
are
Verb problem
do
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 not
getting
Verb problem
have
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 enough time to take care of their kids ,so they
offers
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offer
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 mobile or
processor
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processors
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 to get rid of disturbances from babies,but they are not aware
about
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of
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 the consequences.
Furthermore
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 ,Some
parents
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 are
thaught
Correct your spelling
taught
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 that ,
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use
Correct article usage
the use
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 of devices will help the
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child
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children
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 to improve their ability to handle electronic devices.which might
be maintain
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maintain
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 the capability of youngsters,
as well as
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 it will put them
in
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apply
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a risk for life long.
On the other hand
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,few people
are not allow
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do not allow
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 their
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child
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children
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 to
use
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 cell
phone
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phones
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,because it causes
autism
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 and vision loss.These
parents
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 are very conscious
about
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of
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 the drawbacks.
For instance
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,some studies proved that
autism
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 ,mainly visual
autism
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 is higher in
children
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 using wireless
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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.There
is
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are
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 no
any
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apply
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other treatments for
this
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 disease. In conclusion,
the
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apply
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 society going to face
big
Add an article
a big
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 challenge in the future
due to
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 over usage of mobile phones
in
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by
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children
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.nowadays most
children
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 in
the
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apply
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risk of
autism
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.
most
Capitalize word
Most
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of
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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parents
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 encourage their
Use synonyms
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
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 to
use
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 mobile.and some
are
Verb problem
apply
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neglected
Replace the word
neglect
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 to
use
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
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because
Correct pronoun usage
them because
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 they are clever.so I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses both views of the discussion topic and provides a relevant conclusion. However, some points could be elaborated further for better clarity and to provide a more comprehensive answer. For instance, explaining more about the necessity of technological skills in the modern world would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
While the essay includes an introduction and conclusion, try to ensure that the overall structure is clearly defined with separate paragraphs that discuss each point in more detail. This would improve the logical flow and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
language use
Be mindful of spelling and grammatical errors, such as 'myriad of' instead of 'myriad,' and 'they knows' should be 'they know.' These minor mistakes can affect the clarity of your message.
task achievement
You provide a balanced discussion by addressing both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a fair understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion.
supporting ideas
You present relevant examples to support your points, although they could be more detailed and varied.
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