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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some parents allow their children to play on electronic devices such as computers and smartphones as they think it is important for the learning of technological skills. Other parents prohibit their children from using these electronic devices. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#parents #children #devices #computers #smartphones #skills
In the modern era , laptops and mobile phones are indispensable in everyone's life.Myriad
of
Change preposition
apply
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parents
 have permitted their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 to
use
 electronic devices,as they believe that it is essential to get digital proficiency.
And
Correct word choice
As
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 an alternative guardians restricted their
children
 from utilising computers and
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
.In my opinion,I partially agree with
this
 statement.
This
 essay will discuss both views in detail,
along with
 a relevant conclusion. On the one hand,cell phones and personal computers are becoming part of life.Small
children
 are
also
 playing with wireless
phone
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phones
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,and they
knows
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know
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 each and every
functions
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function
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 in the handset.
For example
,some
parents
 are busy with their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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,they
are
Verb problem
do
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 not
getting
Verb problem
have
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 enough time to take care of their kids ,so they
offers
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offer
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 mobile or
processor
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processors
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 to get rid of disturbances from babies,but they are not aware
about
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of
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 the consequences.
Furthermore
 ,Some
parents
 are
thaught
Correct your spelling
taught
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 that ,
use
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the use
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 of devices will help the
child
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children
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 to improve their ability to handle electronic devices.which might
be maintain
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maintain
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 the capability of youngsters,
as well as
 it will put them
in
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apply
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a risk for life long.
On the other hand
,few people
are not allow
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do not allow
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 their
child
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children
show examples
 to
use
 cell
phone
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phones
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,because it causes
autism
 and vision loss.These
parents
 are very conscious
about
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of
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 the drawbacks.
For instance
,some studies proved that
autism
 ,mainly visual
autism
 is higher in
children
 using wireless
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
.There
is
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are
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 no
any
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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other treatments for
this
 disease. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
 society going to face
big
Add an article
a big
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 challenge in the future
due to
 over usage of mobile phones
in
Change preposition
by
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children
.nowadays most
children
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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risk of
autism
.
most
Capitalize word
Most
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of
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
parents
 encourage their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 to
use
 mobile.and some
are
Verb problem
apply
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neglected
Replace the word
neglect
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 to
use
,
Remove the comma
apply
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because
Correct pronoun usage
them because
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 they are clever.so I partially agree with
this
 statement.
Submitted by saniyasunny1848 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses both views of the discussion topic and provides a relevant conclusion. However, some points could be elaborated further for better clarity and to provide a more comprehensive answer. For instance, explaining more about the necessity of technological skills in the modern world would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
While the essay includes an introduction and conclusion, try to ensure that the overall structure is clearly defined with separate paragraphs that discuss each point in more detail. This would improve the logical flow and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
language use
Be mindful of spelling and grammatical errors, such as 'myriad of' instead of 'myriad,' and 'they knows' should be 'they know.' These minor mistakes can affect the clarity of your message.
task achievement
You provide a balanced discussion by addressing both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a fair understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion.
supporting ideas
You present relevant examples to support your points, although they could be more detailed and varied.

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