IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #persons #job #type #sex #australia #year #summarise #information #features #comparisons
The chart
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
 information about
Australia
Correct your spelling
Australian
show examples
 employment type categorized by sex in the previous year.
Overall
, there are more
men
Correct your spelling
male
show examples
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
 than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
women
 working in Australia. The domination of
men
Correct your spelling
male
show examples
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
 happened in most
sector
Fix the agreement mistake
sectors
show examples
 except professionals and
clerical
Correct article usage
the clerical
show examples
sector
.
On Those
Correct your spelling
In those
show examples
 two
sector
Fix the agreement mistake
sectors
show examples
women
being
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 number with 700.000 per 1.350.000 as professionals and 980.000 per 1.800.000 as
clericals
Fix the agreement mistake
clerical
show examples
.
Then
,
The
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
clerical
women
identified
Add a missing verb
were identified
show examples
 as
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 category.With only those two
sector
Change to a plural noun
sectors
show examples
 dominated by
women
,
another category
Fix the agreement mistake
other categories
show examples
such
 as manager, semi-professional, tradespeople, production and laborer
sector
Fix the agreement mistake
sectors
show examples
 are dominated by
men
. The highest gap between gender showed in
tradespeople
Correct article usage
the tradespeople
show examples
sector
, as the
men
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 8 times more than the
women
.
Moreover
, there are far more
men
 employed as managers, the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of
men
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 almost tripled
women
 with only 200.000
employee
Change to a plural noun
employees
show examples
.
In contrast
,
Correct article usage
the laborer
show examples
laborer
Change the spelling
labourer
show examples
sector
 only
a
Add a missing verb
has a
show examples
difference of 110.000 approximately. In conclusion, the employment
sector
 in Australia in
previous
Add an article
the previous
show examples
 year is dominated by
men
 in most
sector
Fix the agreement mistake
sectors
show examples
 except clerical and professional.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, sector with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Employment figures
  • Sectors
  • Significant disparities
  • Gender balance
  • Skewed
  • Trends
  • Patterns
  • Dominant
  • Inferred
  • Labor market
  • Year-on-year comparison
  • Insights
  • Implications
What to do next:
Look at other essays: