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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people argue that in order to improve the quality of education, high school students should be encouraged to make comments or even criticism of their teachers. Others think it will lead to loss of respect and discipline in the classroom. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Education
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 indeed plays a crucial role in society. A large number of people believe that high
school
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 peers should be motivated to
criticise
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 their
mentors
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 in order to enhance the
quality
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 of
education
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while
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 others say that
this
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 tendency brings a loss of
respect
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 and discipline in the
classroom
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.
This
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 essay discusses both viewpoints and I strongly agree with the latter opinion for the following reasons. On the one hand,
students
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 should have
a
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the
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 freedom to make
comments
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 and
criticise
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to
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apply
show examples
their tutors because it helps to improve the
quality
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 of
education
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.
This
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 means peers are the assets of every nation, so they have
all
Correct determiner usage
the
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rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
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 to study a
quality
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of
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apply
show examples
education
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.
For example
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, in Australia, high schools set a feedback box inside the
classroom
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, and
as a result
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,
students
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 can
criticise
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 their teachers through feedback letters in order to
mentors
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 change their way of teaching and improve their
quality
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 of
education
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. Needless to say, making
comments
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 and
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criticise
Correct your spelling
criticism
show examples
 towards tutors can improve the student's life through
education
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.
In contrast
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, making
criticism
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 towards lectures creates a loss of discipline and
respect
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 in the
classroom
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 because learner's behaviour
become
Change the verb form
becomes
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 rude and
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
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 more trouble inside the
classroom
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, especially taking class time.
This
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 is because
school
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 boys and girls should maintain a
decorm
Correct your spelling
decorum
decor
, how to behave in
school
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 and how to
respect
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to
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apply
show examples
their
mentors
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,
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apply
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 if they do not have these qualities how to learn
a
Correct article usage
an
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education
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.
For instance
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, in India,
students
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 should
respect
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Change preposition
apply
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
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their teachers when they enter
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apply
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
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school
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 whatever happens their
respect
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 never decreases,
this
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 is one kind of
education
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 to
mould
Wrong verb form
moulds
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 learners to become
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apply
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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good
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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 in society.
Hence
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, making
criticism
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 and
comments
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 towards
mentors
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bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
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 more detrimental effects to peers. In conclusion,
although
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 a feedbox inside the
classroom
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 can
make
Verb problem
improve
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
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quality
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 of
education
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 through
comments
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 and
criticism
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 towards
mentors
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,
students
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 should adhere
some
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to some
show examples
decirm
Correct your spelling
desire
decorum
 towards their teachers, so they should
give
Verb problem
apply
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reflect
to
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on
show examples
 them.
However
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, in my opinion, about
this
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, making
criticism
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 towards lectures by pupils
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
 a loss of
respect
Use synonyms
 and discipline in the
classroom
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.

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grammar
Work on your grammar and sentence structures. There are some errors that affect the clarity and coherence of your points.
vocabulary
Try to avoid repeating the same phrases multiple times, like 'making comments and criticism.' Use synonyms to add variety to your language.
writing strategies
Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the conclusion and summarize the main points discussed, linking them effectively to your overall argument.
introduction
The introduction is clear and effectively introduces both viewpoints.
content
Good use of examples to support your points, such as the feedback box in Australia and the respect towards teachers in India.
structure
The essay reasonably covers both sides of the argument.
What to do next:
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