IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In the recent years, there has been a rise in the use of performance-enchancing drugs in sports. what are the consequences of doping for the athlete? what measure should be taken to combat this issue?

#years #rise #drugs #sports #consequences #athlete #measure #combat
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So many athletes are very ambitious to win the
game
Use synonyms
,
however
Linking Words
, the news of athletes consuming drugs to boost their performance
are
Change the verb form
is
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 not something very odd.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon absolutely leads to something negative.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the negative outcomes of doping including the
action
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 to beat
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon.
Initially
Linking Words
, in 2024, the
sport
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sports
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 industry fully recovered after
Covid-19
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COVID-19
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, in the
meantime
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meantime,
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 the number of drugs doping is rapidly growing especially in the basketball industry.
Aztemizole
Correct your spelling
Astemizole
,
Terfinadine
Correct your spelling
Terfenadine
, and Ferfomin are the most consumed by the
players
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.
Moreover
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, the risk of
drug
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 consumption
such
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 as addiction, bad behavior, and lack of concentration
becoming
Wrong verb form
becomes
show examples
 the main problem of
this
Linking Words
action
Use synonyms
.
Drug
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 addiction is not only bad for the player, but it
also
Linking Words
 affects the whole team.
For instance
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, a basketball club in Jakarta disbanded because of a lack of trust
Change preposition
among
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between
Change preposition
among
show examples
 the
players
Use synonyms
Change preposition
regarding
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with
Change preposition
regarding
show examples
 a
pills
Fix the agreement mistake
pill
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 issue.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, giving a
drug
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 education for the
players
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are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 one of the preventive ways to avoid
drug
Use synonyms
 consumption.
However
Linking Words
, to beat
this
Linking Words
 problem the
stakeholder
Fix the agreement mistake
stakeholders
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 especially the club management should take serious
action
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such
Linking Words
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
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drug
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 testing twice a month, and giving a penalty for those who
tested
Wrong verb form
test
show examples
 positive.
Last
Linking Words
 season, a couple of
players
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 in the Chicago Bulls tested positive, Nor should the
players
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 be in a
game
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 until the end of
season
Add an article
the season
show examples
.
To conclude
Linking Words
, even though winning the
game
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 is important, so is keeping the
game
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 fair and healthy. Becoming addicted to doping,
not
Add a missing verb
is not
show examples
 only bad for the athlete but
also
Linking Words
 for the team,
hence
Linking Words
 the management should take
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
serious
action
Use synonyms
 like
drug
Use synonyms
 testing to keep the industry well.
Submitted by ed.janurrsptn on

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task achievement
Your essay covers both the negative consequences of doping and measures to combat it, but it lacks depth and detail in some areas. For example, while you mention addiction and bad behavior, you could expand on how these specifically impact the athlete's career and personal life.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow of your essay could be improved. The transition between the general statement about doping and the specific example of the basketball industry is abrupt. Consider using more transitional phrases to link your ideas smoothly.
coherence cohesion
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that make it difficult to understand some parts of your essay. For example, "the number of drugs doping is rapidly growing especially in the basketball industry" could be clearer. Consider revising for clarity and grammatical accuracy.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states the topic and outlines the main points that will be discussed in the essay.
task achievement
You provide specific examples, such as the case of the basketball club in Jakarta and the Chicago Bulls, which add credibility to your arguments.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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