Some people think that children should learn world history. Others believe that it is more important to learn the history of their own country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
There is no denying the fact that children learn faster
while
their
younger. Replace the word
they're
they are
While
it is a commonly held belief that learning more about the world
's history
can be attractive as
Change preposition
apply
such
as having background information about the world
's history
and religions, there is also
an argument that learning about your own countries
Change noun form
country's
history
is more valuable and recommended. This
essay will analyze this
topic from both points and express my opinion.
On one hand, learning more about the world
's history
will make you more developed and having more background information can always be crucial. In other words
, you will only be wiser and smart. In addition
, it can come in hand
when you travel anywhere in the Correct your spelling
handy
world
. You know what their history
is and their religion also
. For example
, business trips or vacations will not be an issue for you.
On the other hand
, learning your own history
for
younger ages is Change preposition
at
more
easier and Change the word
apply
get
to know your own traditions. It is Wrong verb form
getting
also
possible to say that getting to Know how old people lived in the past and how they survived. Moreover
, how
nowadays people's lives changed and how they are dressed, Rephrase
apply
eating
, and Wrong verb form
eat
your
own traditions. Correct pronoun usage
their
For instance
, the
Islamic religion, Change preposition
in the
how
men always wear traditional clothes and Rephrase
apply
how
women always wear a black abaya to cover their bodies outside from men. Rephrase
apply
Also
, they have rice to eat like
a daily routine.
In conclusion, there are no easy answers to Change preposition
as
this
question. On balance, however
, I tend to believe that children should learn their own history
of their country first in the mean
Correct your spelling
meanwhile
while
, getting older they can learn about different histories and cultures.Submitted by rinadmohammed3 on
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Coherence and Cohesion
Try to enhance the logical flow of your arguments by providing clear transitions between points. For example, use phrases like 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' or 'On the contrary' to improve cohesion between paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. A well-detailed example can make your argument stronger and more convincing.
Task Achievement
Ensure your essay maintains a formal tone throughout. Avoid informal phrases and ensure grammatical correctness.
Task Achievement
Review sentence structure and grammar to avoid small errors. For instance, 'While their younger' should be 'while they are younger'.
Task Achievement
The essay covers both viewpoints effectively, demonstrating a clear understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have a strong introduction and conclusion, which frames the essay well.
Task Achievement
Your ability to understand and present multiple perspectives is commendable.