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Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #schools #impact #children #environment
In
this
 contemporary education,
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 are too competitive
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
lead
Wrong verb form
leading
show examples
 to
negative
Add an article
a negative
the negative
show examples
 impact on
students
' health and intrinsic motivation.
However
, others might argue that the competitive
environment
 might encourage
children
 to prepare their readiness
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 university and ignite their motivations. In
this
 essay, I will examine both perspectives and address my opinion supporting that
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 should not force
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 to learn
excesstively
Correct your spelling
excessively
. Excessive educationally competitive
surrounding
Fix the agreement mistake
surroundings
show examples
 might cause mental and physical health issues.
For example
,
overempazied on
Verb problem
overextended
show examples
 education could lead to
stresss
Correct your spelling
stress
 and
anxiousty
Correct your spelling
anxiety
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
 which may reflect
on
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apply
show examples
physical illnesses
such
 as
headache
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headaches
show examples
.
As a result
,
this
 may affect
on
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apply
show examples
long-term
children
's health conditions and need to be
cure
Wrong verb form
cured
show examples
 for a long time. Another negative effect is
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 intrinsic motivation to learn. The reason
fo
Correct your spelling
for
show examples
this
 is that
children
 were forced to learn by their parents and peer pressure not because they
willing
Add a missing verb
were willing
show examples
 to learn by their own aspirations.
This
 could lead to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of interest in study and burnout syndrome.
On the other hand
, there are many who agree with that competitive
enviroment
Correct your spelling
environment
encorage
Correct your spelling
encourage
students
 to achieve their future goals.
For instance
,
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
students
a student
show examples
students
 studying hard might have much more time to prepare their readiness
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 enrol in
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 university by taking some extra courses or making their portfolio.
Consequently
, that student might have a higher chance to be accepted to their
dreamed
Replace the word
dream
show examples
 university and pursue their interests and passions.
Moreover
, some proponents of
this
arguement
Correct your spelling
argument
 might suggest that
competitive
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a competitive
show examples
environment
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
students
 create a clear benchmark to measure their progress and identify areas for improvement.
For example
,
students
 might have some motivations to
archieve
Correct your spelling
achieve
 their goals compared to their friends who get higher
socres
Correct your spelling
scores
.
As a result
,
students
 might study harder to accomplish their educational
goal
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goals
show examples
 actively. In my opinion, the importance of
competitive
Correct article usage
a competitive
show examples
enviroment
Correct your spelling
environment
 is based on
children
's conditions and their goals.
Additionally
, schools and parents should strike a balance between positive and negative effects in
Add an article
an excessive
the excessive
show examples
excessive
Change the word
excessively
show examples
 competitive
environment
 to suit their
childrens's
Correct your spelling
children's
learing
Correct your spelling
learning
 behaviours. I
frimly
Correct your spelling
firmly
 agree with the idea that
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 are too competitive, in my viewpoint
shcool
Correct your spelling
school
 should be a place for
students
 to learn
happliy
Correct your spelling
happily
 and build their social networking rather than creating
competitive
Add an article
a competitive
show examples
environment
.
Submitted by bhavifasai on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and flows logically from one point to the next. Work on creating smoother transitions between ideas to guide the reader more effectively.
task achievement
For a higher task response score, focus on providing more specific examples and concrete evidence to support your points. This will help to make your arguments more convincing and well-rounded.
task achievement
To further develop the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas, aim to elaborate on each main point. Provide deeper analysis and explore different facets of the argument to show a thorough understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both viewpoints on the topic, showing an understanding of the arguments on each side.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively set the stage for the discussion and wrap up the essay respectively.
task achievement
Your essay shows a good attempt to cover various aspects of the topic, including the implications on children's health, motivation, and future goals.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • undue stress
  • academic achievement
  • critical thinking
  • interpersonal skills
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • social isolation
  • bullying
  • reduced collaboration
  • motivation
  • achieve their goals
  • resilience
  • perseverance
  • innovation
  • improvement
  • outperform
  • higher standards
What to do next:
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