IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #schools #impact #children #environment
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In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary education,
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
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 are too competitive
and
Correct word choice
apply
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lead
Wrong verb form
leading
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 to
negative
Add an article
a negative
the negative
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 impact on
students
Use synonyms
' health and intrinsic motivation.
However
Linking Words
, others might argue that the competitive
environment
Use synonyms
 might encourage
children
Use synonyms
 to prepare their readiness
to
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for
show examples
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 university and ignite their motivations. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will examine both perspectives and address my opinion supporting that
school
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schools
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 should not force
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
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 to learn
excesstively
Correct your spelling
excessively
. Excessive educationally competitive
surrounding
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surroundings
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 might cause mental and physical health issues.
For example
Linking Words
,
overempazied on
Verb problem
overextended
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 education could lead to
stresss
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stress
 and
anxiousty
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anxiety
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
childrens
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children
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 which may reflect
on
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apply
show examples
physical illnesses
such
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 as
headache
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headaches
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.
As a result
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,
this
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 may affect
on
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apply
show examples
long-term
children
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's health conditions and need to be
cure
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cured
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 for a long time. Another negative effect is
that
Correct determiner usage
the
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 intrinsic motivation to learn. The reason
fo
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for
show examples
this
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 is that
children
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 were forced to learn by their parents and peer pressure not because they
willing
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were willing
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 to learn by their own aspirations.
This
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 could lead to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of interest in study and burnout syndrome.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are many who agree with that competitive
enviroment
Correct your spelling
environment
encorage
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encourage
students
Use synonyms
 to achieve their future goals.
For instance
Linking Words
,
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
students
a student
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students
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 studying hard might have much more time to prepare their readiness
for
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to
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 enrol in
an
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a
show examples
 university by taking some extra courses or making their portfolio.
Consequently
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, that student might have a higher chance to be accepted to their
dreamed
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dream
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 university and pursue their interests and passions.
Moreover
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, some proponents of
this
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arguement
Correct your spelling
argument
 might suggest that
competitive
Correct article usage
a competitive
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environment
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help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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students
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 create a clear benchmark to measure their progress and identify areas for improvement.
For example
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,
students
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 might have some motivations to
archieve
Correct your spelling
achieve
 their goals compared to their friends who get higher
socres
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scores
.
As a result
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,
students
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 might study harder to accomplish their educational
goal
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goals
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 actively. In my opinion, the importance of
competitive
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a competitive
show examples
enviroment
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environment
 is based on
children
Use synonyms
's conditions and their goals.
Additionally
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, schools and parents should strike a balance between positive and negative effects in
Add an article
an excessive
the excessive
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excessive
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excessively
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 competitive
environment
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 to suit their
childrens's
Correct your spelling
children's
learing
Correct your spelling
learning
 behaviours. I
frimly
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firmly
 agree with the idea that
school
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schools
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 are too competitive, in my viewpoint
shcool
Correct your spelling
school
 should be a place for
students
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 to learn
happliy
Correct your spelling
happily
 and build their social networking rather than creating
competitive
Add an article
a competitive
show examples
environment
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by bhavifasai on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and flows logically from one point to the next. Work on creating smoother transitions between ideas to guide the reader more effectively.
task achievement
For a higher task response score, focus on providing more specific examples and concrete evidence to support your points. This will help to make your arguments more convincing and well-rounded.
task achievement
To further develop the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas, aim to elaborate on each main point. Provide deeper analysis and explore different facets of the argument to show a thorough understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both viewpoints on the topic, showing an understanding of the arguments on each side.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively set the stage for the discussion and wrap up the essay respectively.
task achievement
Your essay shows a good attempt to cover various aspects of the topic, including the implications on children's health, motivation, and future goals.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • undue stress
  • academic achievement
  • critical thinking
  • interpersonal skills
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • social isolation
  • bullying
  • reduced collaboration
  • motivation
  • achieve their goals
  • resilience
  • perseverance
  • innovation
  • improvement
  • outperform
  • higher standards
What to do next:
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