IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes relatively large amount numbers of young adults compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situatuion outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #amount #numbers #adults #people #situatuion
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Curently
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Currently
, the
numbers
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 of
younger
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the younger
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 generation are dominant in several countries compared to the older one. I do think the situation is detrimental for those countries with
high
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a high
the high
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 number of young adults and I will explain it
further
Linking Words
 in the next following paragraphs.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the high
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numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
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 of young
people
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 does not equal
to
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apply
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the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 productivity in that
country
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. Many
people
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 might think that
this
Linking Words
 large amount of young adults will become the workers that contribute to the economy of a
country
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.
However
Linking Words
, that might not be true because
with
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, with
show examples
 the limited amount of job
vacancy
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vacancies
show examples
,
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 high
numbers
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 will naturally create competition among these young
people
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. Companies would only hire individuals with more
experiences
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experience
show examples
 and willing to get paid in
bare
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the bare
a bare
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 minimum.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 will lead to massive unemployment in that
country
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 and make
these
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 younger generation become financially vulnerable.
In addition
Linking Words
 to that,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young adults who are financially vulnerable will become a burden for the
governments
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government
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 itself. The
high level
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high-level
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unemployment
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of unemployment
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 in a
country
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mean
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means
show examples
 that the government must provide these
people
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 with
large
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a large
the large
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 amount of
subcidy
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subsidy
 for basic necessities. Later, if
this
Linking Words
 condition still
prevail
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prevails
show examples
, the economy of that
country
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 would
colapse
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collapse
 because the public fund that
supposed
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is supposed
show examples
 to go to
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 program is already out. In conclusion, The high
numbers
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 of
younger
Add an article
the younger
show examples
 generation have more downsides rather than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advantages because
this
Linking Words
 will create competition in
job
Add an article
the job
a job
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 market which can lead to massive unemployment and later will become
adversary
Correct article usage
an adversary
show examples
 for
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of that
country
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by arsyiiimuhammad061 on

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grammar
Ensure to maintain consistency in grammatical structures, especially when using plural forms. This will enhance the clarity of your ideas.
relevance
Include specific examples or data to support your arguments. This will make your essay more convincing and comprehensive.
balance
Try to incorporate a more balanced view by acknowledging potential advantages, even if you ultimately argue that the disadvantages outweigh them.
coherence
Improve transitions between paragraphs to ensure a smoother flow of ideas throughout the essay.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is essential for a well-structured response.
relevance
The main points are relevant to the topic and are logically organized.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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